Oh Dear Lord

Here we have the Cuchini, which is quite possibly the most horrifying thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I don't even know where to start with this insanity.

So, the "Cuchini" (a combo of coochi and bikini, I'm guessing? Becuase all the women I know call their vaginas "coochies") is supposed to be used when you're wearing skin tight pants or a bikini, and is placed over your vagina to help avoid camel toe.

Checking out the website, I can only guess this product was developed by a permanently drunken frat house... Who else would be both lame enough to call it a "Cuchini" and disrespectful enough to actually try to market it using this website? A camel in a bikini? For fuck's sake!!

And no, I do not believe that the women they have on the site actually came up with this. But I bet they use them!!

Although, I have to say, that youtube video talking about my "clam", "coochie", "taco", and whatever other disgusting shit words used to refer to women's genitalia really sold me on the product. I'm now so embarrassed by being a woman that I feel if I don't buy these to cover up the disgrace that is my vagina I will never be able to leave the house again!

Man Gunned Down by Killer Robot!!

It's not as scary as you think, but it is pretty funny, in a darkly hilarious way...

An 81 year old man was sick and tired of his family bugging him to move into an assisted living facility, so he BUILT A FUCKING ROBOT TO KILL HIMSELF WITH.

Fox News, being the honest, non-sensationalistic news station they are, gave their version of the story the lovely title you see above. Which is totally hilarious!!

What I don't understand is why, at 81 years old, would you kill yourself? It's a little late, don't you think? And even if you decide to kill yourself, why would you go to the trouble of building a fucking robot to do it? I mean, besides the obvious answer that it's a fucking dope way to go...!

Anyway, here's the link if you want to read about this insanity...

And no, I can't find the directions for the robot! If anyone does, send them my way... I'm dying (no pun intended) to know how that shit works!

Jane Fonda = Sexy Granny

Twenty-seven years after she first donned her workout gear, Jane Fonda once again wore a spandex outfit, this time for charity. And may I just say, she is looking GOOD.








When I'm 71 I hope to be half as hot as Ms. Fonda... fingers crossed!

Friends Don't Lie To Friends

My friend told me about this site the other day, and it seriously tickled me, so I thought I would post about it here, along with one of its finest gems...

If you've ever had that weirdo roommate, coworker, or friend that just can't seem to communicate outside of really annoying, passive aggressive notes (we all know those people), then this site will probably make you laugh a lot.



And can I just say that I'm glad to see that pink pen ink, heavy bubble lettering, and "w/b" are still in effect long after I left junior high. Memories...

Just Sayin'

Shit! Bull

This video of a bull in a supermarket in Ireland made me laugh out loud. It's only funny because nobody got hurt. If somebody had got hurt it would instantly become hilarious. I kid! I kid! Geez...

NOOOO!!!

Bea Arthur DIED!!

She died of cancer (who knew she was ever sick?) She was 86.

The World got a little less Golden today...

Terrifying

This Guy's a Joke, Right?

Has anyone ever heard of Arthur Kade? He's some dickbag in NYC that thinks he's some sort of Guru for wannabe star douchbags (I'm sure he doesn't use that exact terminology, but he should).

Anyway, I was reading Jezebel earlier today when I came upon an article about his blog, wherein he talks about how hot women need to shave themselves - completely - in order to be a ten in his book or earn his overnight affections (which is what we're all trying to do, right? Score some sleazy one night stand with an asshole... my life's goal!)

In his lovely blog he says, and I quote: "One of my biggest pet peeves is a girl who is not probably groomed on all parts of her body."

Clearly, this guy is deserving of his guru status. Probably? Not probably groomed? I'm often probably groomed, but I'm never definitely groomed.. you can just never be sure with a girl like me. Guess I'll never be a ten... darn!

He then goes on to talk about how disgusted he was with his most recent nurse because she had a visible mustache... oh, by the way, he was at the doctor to get some Accutane. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but how are you going to judge someone when you're there for acne medication? Seriously!

I went on to read some of his other blogs, and all I can say is that I sincerely, truly hope that his blog is a joke and that this man is just some construction of the geniuses over at The Onion or something. Seriously, he's like something out of American Psycho! Fucking creepy, man.

I suggest if you go to his blog that you take a look at some of the comments posted by the readers, as some of them are pretty hilarious. And that's about the most you'll get out of his blog, aside from a stomach ache and new found hatred for the world.

Click here for the jezebel article (definitely worth a read) or here for this shitwad's blog.

A High-Priced Victory for the Transgender Community

While gossip jerkoff Perez Hilton, along with every ridiculous news program in the country, is busy talking about how stupid and hateful Miss California is for her views on gay marriage (which is true, but regardless is a ridiculous waste of time to focus on) a major piece of news from the transgender community is being grossly overlooked. I guess it's easier to talk about these things abstractly (especially when there's celebrities involved) but seriously, this is important...

For the first time ever, a man was convicted of a hate crime in the murder of a transgender teen he met online.

Allen Andrade met with Angie Zapata after meeting on the internet. He then murdered her because she was biologically a he. Andrade's defense said it was a crime of passion because he thought the victim was a bio girl, but when he found out otherwise he snapped. The jury didn't buy that shit, and now he's in jail for the rest of his miserable life.

This is a major win for the transgender community and transgender rights (and a step in the right direction for all of us) but the cost of this victory is way too high. The mere fact that transgender people are fighting to have crimes against them called hate crimes speaks to a larger problem within our society, and something that shouldn't be overlooked in favor of considering this verdict a victory.

Angia Zapata was only 18 years old when she was beaten to death with a fucking fire extinguisher by a hateful man who said, and I quote, "all gay things must die".

What the fuck is wrong with us?

Click here for the full article.

Happy Birthday John Waters!

Today, the King (Queen?) of Filth turns 63. In his honor, I've posted one of my favorite moments from the film "Pink Flamingos" - No, it's not the poop eating, promise, but it's almost that good...

Crackers, my only son!!!

They Waterboarded the Smirk Right off This Playboy's Face

Waterboarding is scary. Fucking terrifying, actually. It's torture, and it's not a joke.

So of course, playboy.com had to send one of their really hip, fast-talking reporters out to see what all the fuss is about and to try it out for himself (it's what all the cool kids are doing, don't you know!)

He even made a bet that he could last for 15 seconds... yes, he made a bet on torture. Isn't that just so subversive and racy?!? God, he's cool.

Well, about 6 seconds into it, all his cool falls to floor along with his I-can't-take-it-anymore signal.



What a douche.

In the end, though, the result is the same: even though the dude doing the torturing doesn't see it as torture (it just makes people feel like they're "drownding"! No biggie!) it clearly shakes this dickbag to the core.

Freaky shit, yo.

Awesome New Technology Lets You Type What You're Thinking

No, really. I'm not joking. How dope is that?

Ever since I was a kid I've wished I could just put a cap on my head and record all the thoughts going through it without having to pause to write them down. Now, thanks to some awesome science dudes, my childhood dream is a little closer to becoming a reality.

The technology is still really basic at this point, sort of like sending a text message, wherein you have to scroll through the letters mentally until the come to the one you want, but still, we can now think something and have it appear on our computer screen.

If that's not cool, then I don't know what is.

This technology is really supposed to be used for those who are speech impaired or cannot use computers for whatever reasons, but as it progresses I'm sure we'll all be using this shit one day. And especially if we get to wear those cool hats too!

If you're as big of a dork as I am, then you can read the full article about it here.

This is Wonderful. And Ridiculous.

It's always interesting to see what 'family friendly' words will be used to replace swear words on movies being shown on network TV. I remember in the 80's when they played the first Terminator, when Sarah Connor is supposed to say "You're terminated, fucker!" instead she said something like "you're terminated, jerk" or something lame like that. It wasn't even creative. I have heard some really good ones since then, though, but I can't think of any right now... but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Regardless, I'm sure no one has ever heard anything as good as the one in the clip above... what exactly is a Monday-to-Friday plane? Sounds like a long, uncomfortable trip to me... but snakes fighting monkeys might make it a bit more interesting at least... why's Mr. Jackson gotta spoil the fun?

I'll Be Doing This A Lot

I heard somewhere that Robert Pattinson might be at Coachella this year, which gave me an excuse to post a picture of him, which gave me an excuse to look for a picture of him, which allowed me to stare at his hotness for about ten minutes, pretending to look for that one perfect picture (as if they're not all fantastic). I finally settled on this one:



Is he really at Coachella? Who cares! I don't need to know where he is to know he's a hot piece. Rawr.

A World Without the Gap?

Say it isn't so! How will the world survive without khaki pants and overpriced pea coats??? HOW??

According to wallstreet247.com, we'll have to find a way, because the Gap, along with 11 other major brands, including Borders Books (who would have thought?) will disappear by the year 2010 if sales don't pick up, and soon. Considering the current economy, I'm guessing this is not going to happen, so we'll just have to say buh bye to these giant retailers...

This actually kind of makes me sad. I know these are all giant chain stores that promote mindless consumerism, etc. etc, but these are also brands that have been around for a really long time, and to see our economy going so poorly that they have to close is pretty scary. And, more importantly, where will I go to get my 2010 kitten calendar if there's no Borders??

Anyway, if you want to see the full list of companies they expect to go under (you know, if you've had a good day and want to really take yourself down a notch) then click here.

Also, apologies for the lack of postings. I was too busy barfing all weekend to type much. Good times...!

This is... Awkward.

Here's another posting about the lovely caterpillar browed Susan Boyle, who looks like a man, but sings like an angel... sorry, I call them like I see them.

You can watch the original video in the posting below (two posts down I believe) but basically this woman has lived with her mother until she died, has never been kissed, and is just really weird and kind of sad. Or at least that's how the media portrays her. People always love a sob story, right?

She recently went on Britain's Got Talent to show off her skills, and you could just tell the judges were waiting to tear her apart (because, obviously, if she's ugly or fat she won't be able to sing... only skinny, beautiful people are talented. DUH, people). Then she belted out a song from Les Miz, and she was just like an angel.

Anyway, here's an extremely uncomfortable interview with Susan from the Today Show or some other shit show on in the morning. I have to admit, she's a weird, weird woman, but again I feel as though they are talking to her like an idiot because of how she looks... because again, ugly people are also either totally diabolical or totally moronic... duh.

Regardless of our media's transparent biases, the interview is worth a look... as is the video below. Although I would like to point out that if she was young or pretty, nobody would give two shits that she can sing like that. Just sayin'.


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Hey Oakland Peeps!!

Get involved!! It's OUR community, so let's all take care of it...


(click the image for a larger view)

And Now For Something Completely Different

This shit made me tear up while... yeah, so what? The poor woman's never been kissed! And you could just see the hunger in Simon's eyes... he was just waiting to tear her apart, as if she's not sad enough with no job, no love life, no nothing really very redeeming... except for... well, just watch.

This is Seriously Nasty... Seriously.

Thank god I don't eat this shit to begin with...



Seriously, though, what kind of geniuses post this shit on Youtube? Wow, now you're famous for being disgusting assholes. Good job! At least it's making my diet plan a lot easier to follow through on...! Fucking GROSS.

Apparently these jerks were fired and may even face charges against them, but still... I feel sorry for the poor slobs who ate that shit... gotta love the mid-west!!

Robert Pattinson Looking Like a Gay Pirate

Last week I finally broke down and watched the teen sensation known as Twilight, and ever since I've felt like a giddy fucking 13 year old. I seriously bought the goddamn movie, along with the newest issue of GQ, and a poster (it was for someone, I swear, but still...)

Which is why, when I found this picture, I knew I had to post it to remind myself, along with millions of other women (and men, I'm sure) that he is just a man. A tall, masculine, sexy, tall, pale, beautiful, tall man, but still, just a man (and barely that at 22 years old, mind you).

Regardless, I'd still let him plunder my booty any day. Arrrgh, matey.

If you want more pictures of Rob Pattinson actually looking good, just come find me as I now have 100s of them on my computer. Apparently, on top of being an idiotic teeny bopper, I'm now also an online stalker. Damn you, RPatz!! (that's what the kids are calling him, right?)

Stains + Magic Wig Lady = Phil Spector's Mug Shot

No, that's not a make-up-less Michael Jackson; it's Phil Spector's mug shot, taken right after that bitch got told he's going to the pokey for MUR-DAH!

Let this be a lesson to all wig wearing psychos out there: your locks may look beautiful and classy, but they won't save your ass if you kill your lady friend. And neither will trying to impersonate Stains in your mug shot.

There's still no news on how long he'll be playing hide the salami with Jimbo the Pimp of cell block C, but if all my schoolin' serves me right he's got a minimum of 15 years coming to him... which leaves only one question:

HOW WILL HIS WIG SURVIVE???

Germany says NO to Baby Hilter

Wait a minute... I need to get more stoned before I write about this... better.

It's important for people to use condoms for many reasons, including keeping bastard children from being spawned and avoiding the HIV. But whoever thought of this campaign in Germany is a true, magical genius.





These pictures are AMAZING!! And the message is even better: use condoms or you could be responsible for the next Adolf Hitler! Or the next Bin Laden, or Mao... oh shit! (Because obviously anyone irresponsible enough to accidentally get pregnant is going to be a horrible parent and produce a tyrant/terrorist/god knows what.)

Oh Germany. First you have Obama Fingers, and now this... what will you think of next? I wait with bated breath...

You. F-ing. Moron.

Polar bear lovers beware: if you try to hug a polar bear, it will try to eat your stupid ass.

The dingbat dipshit below (Darwin award runner up since she didn't actually die) illustrates...

Click here for the story, if you haven't already read that shit (where have you been, Utah?)

A Good Way to Start the Day...

Not only does this dog sing, but s/he almost manages to sing in tune... And can we please talk about its owner's awesome blue overalls and wayfarers? So ZZ Top, but I don't think he's being ironic...!


And then there's this one, for Diva:


Now try to tell me that didn't make your morning better!!

Banksy Gets Tagged

It's a tough world out there for street artists these days, and "subversive" artist Banksy is not immune. The former Public Enemy #1, who has in recent years bucked the system by, oh, I don't know, selling his works for hundreds of thousands of dollars to celebrity jerkoffs who love his brand of super safe subversiveness, has now become victim to some other jerkoffs who can't even make art.

Instead, they destroy the art of others in some stupid attempt to make a point about capitalism. Yeah yeah yeah, we all went to college. We all read Marx. Banksy is a hypocrite, but who isn't? I bet these fuckfaces got up the next day and went to work for the Man so they could buy more Super-Soakers and spray paint to make their trite little point (which was already made... by BANKSY!)

Gawker.com thinks this stunt may be Banksy himself. I personally don't think he's that heavy handed or obvious. He's not my favorite artist, but he is a clever, quick-witted guy. This shit is just childish and lame.

Anyway, here's these dope's manifesto (if you can call it that... who do they think they are?)

In the early hours of this morning, Banksy's 'Mild Mild West' on Stokes Croft in Bristol (UK) was repainted by a member of Appropriate Media, presenting an alternative version of this 'alternative Bristol landmark'.

Through this action, Appropriate Media asks ?What is the value of street art??. How much time and money will be spent to restore this urban 'masterpiss' by urban masterpisser, Banksy.

Come on, you only care about it cos its a Banksy and he sells his lazy polemics to Hollywood movie stars for big bucks.

Come on, you only care about it cos makes you feel edgy and urban to tour round the inner city in your 4x4, taking in the tired coffee table subversion that graffiti has become.

Graffiti artists are the copywriters for the capitalist created phenomenon of urban art.
Graffiti artists are the performing spray-can monkeys for gentrification.
We call for the appropriate and legitimate use of public and private property.

We are taking matters into our own hands

We will not seek permission

We will retaliate"

LAME.

They Should Change Her Name From Sophie to Savage

Sophie the dog went on a vacation with her family last year and was on a boat on the Queensland Cost near Australia when some big ass wave dumped her overboard! Her family thought she was lost forever and, of course, were devastated.

However, Sophie the dog went on to swim five miles (doggy paddled, no less!) to safety on the shore of some nearly uninhabited island, where she survived on a diet of baby goats! Side note here: AWWW, THOSE POOR BABY GOATS!!! :(

WHAT A SAV! Savage Sophie lived for about four months this way (that's a lot of baby goats!) until one of the three people who live on the Lost island and aren't ghosts (sorry, throwing in the pop culture theories) found her ass, which was promptly returned to her family... yay for Sophie! And for the goat population on Lost!!

(no, it wasn't really Lost island, and if you believed me, you're silly)

Take a Stand for Women's Reproductive Health!

I can't go because I'll be working for the Man, but if anybody can make it (this is for Bay Area folks only) it would be a great show of support...

See below:

Hey everybody,

as you may know, i work for the women's choice clinic, an abortion and
reproductive health clinic in downtown oakland. we just lost our lease
and are closing down after 37 years of rad feminist work because the
state hasn't paid for approved medi-cal and family pact services for
months. there is going to be a press conference this wednesday (the
8th) at frank ogawa plaza from 1 to 1:30 and i was hoping that you or
anyone you know could attend. we need hella support right now cuz
we're like bankrupt, evicted, and somehow need to store medical
records for 7 years. sorry for the short notice, i just found out
about it today.

thank you!
nicole

Kumar Goes To White... House?

If you're like me, then you've probably drifted off to sleep to dreams of licking honey (or some such naughty, sticky something) off of the pillowy lips of Kal Penn. I'm not joking when I say that the first time I saw Harold and Kumar is the first time I decided I love Indian men. Mmmmm!!

Which is why I almost started watching House again when he became a cast member. But, sadly, I just don't have the time...

This is also why I actually watched last night's episode, but to my dismay, that was the episode where his character decided to blow his fucking brains out! Seriously, what kind of shitty ass luck do I have? Geez.

Apparently, the reason Dr. Kutner (that's my honey's name on the show) had to be given the Big Sleep was so that Kal can go work for the White House. No, not some West Wing knockoff bullshit. The ACTUAL White House. He worked at the DNC, and now he's an official bitch boy for Obama (that lucky bastard President!)

His official position will be associate director in the White House office of public liaison.

Mr. Juicylips says of his new job:

“They do outreach with the American public and with different organizations. They’re basically the front door of the White House,” Penn said. “They take out all of the red tape that falls between the general public and the White House. It’s similar to what I was doing on the campaign.”

Hot, funny, and politically active (although perhaps a bit misguided, working for the White House and all...) Damn it, he's one sexy bitch!

Introducing: The New Freddie Krueger!

This man looks pretty creepy, so he might just be able to save yet another potentially awful remake of what I consider to be a classic film.

Nightmare on Elm Street litterally scared the piss out of me as a child, so when I heard they were remaking it I was a bit torn. Part of me was freaked out because I'm still (legitimately) afraid of Freddie, and another part of me was excited because if the movie sucks ass, maybe I'll be able to get over my insane fear of that burnt up psycho. I wasn't really sure how to feel...

But now: Rorschach himself is going to play Freddie, and that scares me! This actor (Jackie Earle Haley) played not only Rorschach in Watchmen (which I haven't seen but I heard he was perfect) he also played the Mr. Molester in Little Children. Okay, that wasn't his name, but it should have been! Fucking CREEP!

And now he's here to haunt me, 22 years after I saw Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time. After all these years of thinking and hoping I was over the nightmare, they're going to fucking scare me again.

Well fuck you, Freddie. Bring it! Not really. I'll never go see this film. MARK MY WORDS.

My Boyfriend Got Skinny!

Now if we could only do something about his laugh...

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This Gave Me Chills

I'm not one to get all serious on my blog (barring a few political rants), but as a woman who was at one point a victim of domestic violence myself, I found this commercial to be extremely disturbing -- and important.

Keira Knightley (whom I generally HATE, but today...) plays the role of herself coming home from a day at work, only to find her angry boyfriend yelling at her about kissing someone in a movie script. He then throws a towel in her face, pushes her to the ground, and starts kicking her in the stomach repeatedly. The camera pulls back to show they are still on set... (showing women are degraded and objectified at home and at work... not sure if that was part of the point, but it's a nice by-product.)

While this is clearly in response to the recent Chris Brown/Rihanna attack, it's also a really great way of expressing that this type of violence can happen to anyone, regardless of age, race, or even beauty and success.

It's often very difficult for women to come forward and admit what's going on in their relationships. The embarrassment, the guilt (yes, we feel guilty for telling), and the love for the person hurting us is sometimes too much to bear, so we stay quiet and allow ourselves to be degraded, humiliated, and physically and emotionally harmed.

But hopefully with ads like this (it is graphic, but that's the point) women will see that they are not alone, and that they can do something about their situations. Hopefully this will anger victims enough to take a stand, seek the help they need, and get out of their violent relationships...

Okay, sorry. Next post will be funny, I promise!!

Miss Universe: Making Us Ladies Look GOOD. Or Not...

Well, now we know why she's Miss Universe and not Miss Rocket Scientist...

If we all listened to Miss Universe's most recent blog posting (which was quickly taken down by her handlers) we'd all be booking our vacation to Guantanamo right now! Because when she went it was just beautiful, and so relaxing... what an idiot!

Here's some awesome quotes from her blog (taken from my idol blog, Dlisted. com):

This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.
We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how they recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable, we were able to enjoy it for at least an hour.

I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.


WOW. WOW.
What else can you say to that?

I'm really wondering what kind of demonstration the lovely Military dogs gave... maybe eating detainees' genitals or something? She probably thought it was a fun play the detainees had planned for her as part of their 'recreation' time.

And if she really never wanted to leave all she had to was threaten to bomb something... or, better yet, just dress like a Muslim and try to mind her own business... she'd have a one way paid ticket to the Guantanamo Resort in no time!