Comic Con: Not Just For Dorks Anymore

I've never been to Comic Con, and as far as I know, about 99% of women are in the same boat as me. At least they were, until Twilight came along. Now, poor pimple faced comic book geeks everywhere are having to share the one weekend a year where they all come together to celebrate their love of comics with crazy ass Twilight fans.

Honestly, how many of the Comic Con "regulars" do you think have ever actually come in contact with a teeny bopper (besides their way cooler younger sisters - what makes them so cool? Damn them!) let alone thousands of screaming psychos all hell bent of getting a close up of RPattz or Taylor Whatshisgayface? I bet those boys are shaking in their Watchmen outfits! Poor things.

Anyway, here's a video some Twimom (yeah, I know) took of she and her fellow crazies going bonkers over new clips from the Twilight: New Moon movie. This shit looks fucking ridiculous, but although I'm not quite as crazy as these ladies, you bet your sweet ass I'll be there opening night!

Ron Weasley Has Silver Eyelashes?

I love the Harry Potter books. And I even liked this last movie (though don't get me started on pretty much all of the others). And we all know how obsessed I can get with certain movies (mainly ones starring RPattz). But even I am blown away by this Harry Potter fan.

I've always found Japanese people to be... eccentric, but this girl takes the crazy cake. When she smelled his eyelashes I nearly peed myself. Imagine what she'd be like if she met Daniel Radcliff. She'd probably coyly ask to smell some more personal part of him... ew.

Enjoy.

NO! Not Paula!!

Okay, yeah, I'll admit it. I watch American Idol. Not all the time! Just, you know, when I remember (and if I forget I watch the performances on the internets and squeal like an idiotic teenager).

I know it's a bad show, but have you ever seen it? If you watch for no other reason, at least you have to tune in to see Paula Abdul making an ass out of her drugged up self every week. That woman in sincerely pilled up and bat shit crazy, man. And we all love her for it!

Well, all of us besides the bastards at American Idol. Apparently Paula is not being invited back to judge this upcoming season!

WHAT???

I know!! LAME! Without her incomplete sentences, babbling "compliments", and embarrassing gyrating to the really rockin' songs, the show is pretty much BORING. And I'm guessing they're replacing her with that stick figure moron lady Kara Diowhatever, so that'll be totally lame and uninteresting.

Kara Diolamesauce is like Paula if she stopped taking the drugs and actually tried to sound smart and/or make sense. Which means she is both incredibly annoying and totally fucking boring.

Anyway, I'm going to go listen to some Paula Abdul and remember the good times. FU AI!!

HA!

That's really all I say can about this photo. That and a woman was driving, which is ironic considering the sexual implications of this picture... ladies is nastay too!

These People Need Help

For those of you who think I'm obsessed with the lameness that is Twilight, take a look at these freaks. And also, screw you! I'm only obsessed with RPattz, thank you very much.

And even so, you better believe I'd never get his Twilight character's face permanently etched on my ass. I draw the line at choking down those awful books... fucking Mormons...


Thanks Angelina

Eternal Moonwalk

People are doing all sorts of cool (and totally ridiculous) things to honor the late Michael Jackson (and I'm posting about nearly all of them, and no, I won't stop). This website is just another example of how important MJ was to the world, especially in terms of his dancing.

People the world over are sending in videos of themselves looking like assholes as they try to mimic MJ's famous Moonwalk... some of them are closer than others, but they all seems to have one thing in common: their hands! They all look like either mini T Rex's or mimes on crack.

Dancing isn't just about your feet, people. Come on! Get those hands under control. And the dude in Hong Kong needs to remove his video before he becomes the next William Hung...

Click here to check out what I'm rambling about... and check out the video above to see how it's really done.

Amy Winehouse Returns to London; Leaves Drugs, Fashion Sense in St. Lucia

Whoa whoa, Amy Winehouse. First, let me say it's nice to see you back in London, ready to face charges of beating up some poor loving fan and maybe, maybe working some more on a new album (hey, I'm still a fan for sure).

That being said, what in the name of JcPenny's dollar sale are you wearing? I mean, come on! Okay, okay, the white pumps aren't terrible (by comparison, anyway) but the onesy diamond dress?

And hi, nice hair! Okay, that a low blow, I know, but there was a point when she had it all! I mean, she was a crack smoking anorexic with a crazy dirtbag husband, but she looked pretty fucking cool. And while I'm glad she got rid of the drugs/Blaaaake, did she have to throw out her wardrobe as well? Maybe there was crack residue or something in the fibers...

Either way, the next step should not have been to turn into an ill dressed wannabe business woman... just saying...

Let's All Move to Sweden!

What would you do if you were in a public place and this happened? I personally would swear never to leave such a wonderful place... or get out my camera. Whatever. Although, if I lived in Sweden I probably wouldn't want to leave anyway... I hear it's pretty dope. And this is just further proof of that...



Anyway, this will most likely be my last posting relating to MJ for a while, so let me just say this: yes, I watched the memorial, and yes, I cried. Like a little baby. And I'm not ashamed. And if I could dance (even a little bit, which I can't) I would totally partake in this awesomeness...

These Pictures Will Blow You Mind

If you've ever read my blog you are more than aware of my deep, pure love for Robert Pattinson. Many nights I have fallen asleep to the beautiful sounds of Twilight on my TV screen and dozed off to wonderful dreams of Edward Cullen transfixing me with his vampirey gaze...

Not until I looked upon the beauty of this guy right here did I ever think there could be another vampire man so beautiful, so stunning, as RPattz. But this man, no, this total babe, has changed my mind. See below, and be sure to click the link for more of this beauty. Really, click the link and you'll see a picture that got an entire house full of people nearly rolling on the floor. Amazing stuff, kids...

Sarah Palin Should Take Her Own Dumb Asshole Advice

As we all have undoubtedly heard by now, Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska this week, citing "political bloodsport" as one of her reasons for leaving.

First of all, can I just say that I have a strong suspicion somebody got some dirt on this crooked bitch? I really think that's what's going on here, because someone so completely soulless and power hungry as Palin wouldn't just leave office if she wasn't in some way forced to do so.

My only other guess is that she got some sort of lame celebrity deal that would make her a whole lot more money than what she's currently doing... but even then, would she trade the power for more money? I just don't know... either way, though, it's worth celebrating her departure. Crazy fucking jerk that she is.

Anyway, so she's up there complaining to the media about how hard the media is, blah blah blah, yet back in the day when Hilary said something along the same lines, this is what Palin had to say about it:



Maybe that dumb asshole ought to take her own advice, huh? But then again, I guess in a way she did. Either shit or get off the pot... and away that turd goes...

Don't Fuck With This Pussy

This pussy is 19 years old and will kick your ass! No, not that kind of pussy. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm obviously talking about a cat.

Neighbors of this old ass dude say his old ass cat is a danger to those in the neighborhood. One man said the cat attacked him while he was walking his dogs, forcing him to the ground.

Seriously? WHAT A PUSSY. Pun intended. How are you going to let a geriatric feline knock you to the ground? That guy was obviously pushing for a lawsuit before he saw the cat's owner was Old Man Winter and probably had no money. Knocked him to the ground! No wonder he didn't give an on camera interview.

Anyway, check out the video below. Sadly, there's no cat attacks, but you get to see this old ass cat and his old ass owner, and really, what else have you got going on?

RIP Michael Jackson

I know it's been a really long time since I posted, but life's been crazy lately... I promise to blog more. Honest.

Anyway, I knew that I had to post something about Michael Jackson's death or I would never forgive myself. He was such a huge part of my childhood, from Thriller to Captain EO, and I never realized how much I would be affected by his death.

Despite all the media drama in his life, I truly believe Michael tried his best to be a good person, and that his childlike demeanor led him to do some truly wonderful things. For one, he's in the Guiness book of World Records for being the celebrity who contributed to the most charities (39), including many he himself created, most of which are for children.

Michael never really got to grow up, but because of his music and his talent my childhood was a better, more interesting place. Who doesn't remember the cat eyes from the end of the Thriller video? Or his Smooth Criminal video? Or Man in the Mirror? And the moonwalk? Shit.

He was amazing, and I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I just hope his last days were good ones, because I think he deserved it.

I'm happy to say that I am not alone in my feelings about Michael. Check out this video below of the Filipino prisoners who got famous recreating Thriller a few years ago. They paid tribute the King of Pop through song and dance yet again, and this one's a bit of a tear jerker...



RIP Michael

Conan O'Brien Loves Mario Maybe Even More Than I Do...

I'm a huge video game fan, and especially old arcade games (anyone ever see me play Ms Pacman?) or anything on Nintendo.

Super Mario Bros is an obvious favorite of mine, but not even I noticed the background of the new Tonight Show as being from Super Mario himself.

I'd like to think that Conan chose that background himself, but even if he didn't, the fact that he delivers his monologue each night in front on something straight out of my childhood gets him some crazy points in my book. And two things to whoever noticed this first:

1. Thanks, that's awesome, and
2. Get a Life!!

Peaches is a Fucking Sav!

She is so savage. Seriously, how fucking hot are these pictures? Damn it!

I wish I had bigger pictures, but I can't find any besides on Perez Hilton, and fuck taking those (he puts his little website symbol on them now... how cute).

Anyway, Peaches is so awesome. That is all


PS. DAVID CARRADINE'S death was probably due to auto-erotic asphyxiation... crazy!

No! LAME!

The Kung Fu Master himself, David Carradine, has died! There are conflicting reports as to what happened, but it sounds like it could have possibly been suicide.

(I will not make a five point palm exploding technique joke here, promise).

He was 72, so it wasn't like he was a spring chicken, but still, it sucks when people die, and especially when really awesome kung fu masters die.

RIP, Bill.

Suck on an Old Man's Titties

Okay, he's not really that old, but Daniel Craig sure looks like a wrinkly bad of shit in popsicle form. I mean, seriously, they've got the abs rights, but what's up with the face?

And why are they making a Daniel Craig popsicle in the first place?

I guess a bunch of horny British women said they'd suck his abs if put in edible form (I'm sure they'd suck whatever he wanted them to, but this is about as close as the average woman is going to get I'm sure).

These hot little (grand)pops will only be on sale until June 8th or something, so if you want them better get to England quick! Otherwise you'll have to make your own old man sicles (and that could get even uglier than this)...

They've Ruined Him!

When I see pictures of Robert Pattinson my mind goes to a happy place where there are no clothes allowed. When I see him shirtless it's no longer my mind doing the work (wink, wink). So you can imagine how excited I was to see his topless pictures from the upcoming Twilight film... until I saw this shit.



Look at that shit! They painted on his abs! What the hell is that shit about? Why would they ruin such a beautiful flower of a man with fake muscles?? Especially since he looks like he'd look just fine on his own...

It's like taking a perfect diamond and setting it in a fucking cracker jack ring! Damn it!!

Even so... rawr.

Phyllis Lyon says it will all be alright...

Well, California, it's official: you suck. I'm not going to go crazy here talking about how disappointing it is to see hatred written into our law books (not that this is something new. But still...) but I will repost something from the LA Times written by Phyllis Lyon, one half of the first gay couple to be married in San Francisco (thank you Gavin Newsom). It's an interesting take on the issue, and preaches patience in the face of adversity. Good shit. When an 84 year old widowed lesbian tells you it will all be alright, how can you argue?

From the LA Times:

On Feb. 12, 2004, more than 50 years after they met and fell in love, Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin were married, the first gay couple legally wed in San Francisco after Mayor Gavin Newsom announced that he would allow same-sex marriages in his city. Six months later, that marriage was voided when the California Supreme Court ruled that Newsom had overstepped his authority. When the court ruled in 2008 that gays had a right to marry under the state Constitution, Lyon and Martin returned to San Francisco City Hall, where, on June 16, Newsom performed a second wedding for the two. Martin died in August, before California voters passed Proposition 8, a state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage once again. In early May, as the state waited for the court to rule on the legality of Proposition 8, we asked Lyon, now 84, to recall her life with Martin.



Del and I met on the job up in Seattle in about 1950. We were both working for a publishing company.

One night, Del and I and another woman decided to go and have a cocktail at the press club. We were sitting there yakking and somehow got on the topic of homosexuality. I had no clue about lesbians at that point. I had never even heard the word. My other friend, Pat, didn't know any more about the subject than I did. Finally, one of us asked Del, "How come you know so much about this subject"? She said, "Because I am one."

Well, that was very interesting.

Some months later, Del and I were in my apartment. We were sitting on the couch in the living room when she made a sort-of half-pass at me, and I made a pass back. That was the first time I'd ever had sex with a woman. I didn't fall madly in love instantly. But I really liked Del as a person.

After I moved back to San Francisco, she started coming down from Seattle more. She asked me if I'd consider becoming a couple. I said, gee whiz, I didn't know. I really hadn't thought about settling down.

She went back to Seattle, but we kept in touch. At some point, I thought, why not? It's not necessarily forever. I drove out to the ocean and sat there and wrote a note to her saying that if she still wanted to, I'd like to get together with her in San Francisco. It turns out that, at about the same time, one of her friends in Seattle said, "Why don't you just drop that dame, she's never going to go with you." Del was seriously thinking about dropping me when she got my letter.

I rented a small apartment for us on Castro Street. It wasn't a gay neighborhood back then. We had some problems getting along in the beginning. Both of us had been living alone for a long time, and we weren't used to having to think about another person. She kept leaving her shoes in the middle of the living room, and this annoyed me. One time I threw one out into the backyard. That didn't help.

At some point, a friend gave us a kitten, and I've always said that's what kept us together that first year: We couldn't split up because we couldn't figure out how to divide the kitten.

This was a time when you didn't talk about being a lesbian. You'd get fired. But I said when I went to work full time at an import-export firm that I wasn't going to lie. I wouldn't make up men that I was dating.

After a couple of years, we wanted to move someplace quieter. One day, we were driving along and saw a house for sale, and the man wanted $11,000 for it. We didn't have any savings. We were both making maybe $300 or $400 a month, and that's not much. But we just knew we had to have that house. We got it -- with its wonderful view.

The one thing we couldn't find was lesbians. We wanted to meet other lesbians, so we had been going to the bars, but we were too shy to go up and introduce ourselves. Then, at an after-hours party, we met a lesbian, and we got a chance to talk to her.

A few months later, she asked if we'd be interested in helping start a highly secret society for lesbians. We said, of course. That was the beginning of our involvement in the whole movement. We were supposed to recruit others, but Del and I didn't know any other lesbians. We did finally that first year get a few members, but it was very difficult. You couldn't advertise in the paper.

Del and I had full lives. We were both Democrats, and from the time we got together we were involved with the Democratic Party here in the city. We used to sit around with Nancy Pelosi and stuff envelopes. And we knew Phil Burton and his brother, John Burton, and Phil's wife, Sala, who took Phil's spot in Congress when he died.

We never even thought about getting married back then. It didn't become an issue for a long time -- in fact, it never was much of an issue for us. The gay rights movement was new, and there were so many other issues. We wanted a law that would keep people from getting fired because they were gay. We wanted a law that made it illegal to throw people out of their houses because they were gay. We were feminists, and a lot of the feminist movement was opposed to marriage because the institution gave men power over women. We hadn't really thought about marriage, and we'd certainly never thought about getting married ourselves. It wasn't an option.

Then, in 2004, it all bubbled up. A day or so before Mayor Newsom announced that San Francisco would allow marriages, we got a call saying we were going to be the first couple. I don't know that anybody asked us. It was just, you're going to do this. They had picked us to be the first couple.

Kate Kendell [executive director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights] came over and picked us up. Luckily, each of us had just gotten a new pantsuit. Kate whisked us down to City Hall and into Mabel Teng's office. She was the recorder, and she was the one who was going to do the wedding. We realized we didn't have rings. Who'd thought about rings? We borrowed them.

Teng married us. Then Kate took us upstairs to Newsom's office -- we'd never met him before -- and he kissed us and hugged us, and then Kate whisked us past the reporters outside City Hall and into the car and took us home. We got home around noon. We looked at each other and said, "We're all dressed up, what are we going to do?" I said, "I don't know, but there's not a damn thing in the house for lunch." So we went down to our favorite restaurant by the waterfront. It was all very peaceful and calm.

It didn't really surprise us when the court stopped the marriages. We thought it was pretty stupid and that they'd be sorry one day. We became part of the suit challenging California's ban on gay marriage.

By the time the Supreme Court ruled again that gay marriage was legal, we were more involved in the issues. We were once again the first couple married in San Francisco.

Del died a few months later, before Proposition 8 passed. She died a married woman. As far as I know, we're still married. They haven't ruled yet about the people who got married, but most people think they're not going to cancel those marriages.

I'm optimistic about the future. Look at all the states that have now done this. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. They may not all last. But it's going to be all right. It may not be while I'm alive, but eventually it will work out that if two people want to get married, they can get married and it won't matter to whom. We went through this before with people of color. It will be OK.

Bye Bye, Penis

The other day my friends and I were talking about dicks. Well, one of us was talking about dicks, and the other two were listening attentively (conversations about dicks always get my attention...)

Anyway, she kept calling the man part in question a penis, like she was a doctor or some shit. She's kinda a newbie with dicks. so we laughed about it and forgave her, but that shit was funny!

But, speaking of penises, some cheating boss/secretary duo got majorly caught cheating when the car they were having 'the oral' in got backed into by a van and the woman bit the man's penis off!

Now this is some serious shit, and an appropriate time to being calling it a penis (although you could call the guy a dick for cheating).

I guess when this all happened the couple were being followed by a Private I (or, also known as a PRIVATE DICK... hahaha just realized that. AWESOME!) who was hired by the woman's husband to catch the cheating duo.

Shit, you know it was the husband driving that van! Ultimate scorned lover's revenge! But the boss gets the last laugh here... now the secretary will never get that raise she was 'working' for! Waah Waah Waaaaaaahhhh!

ps. I want this DVD. For reals.

Part of Our World...

Okay, a show of hands of those who can (or at one point could) sing all the lyrics to all the songs on Disney's The Little Mermaid. Yeah, it's okay, be proud! You are not alone.

But, if that movie was a part of your childhood, prepare to feel dated, because that shit came out 20 years ago! Our lovely teenage Ariel just had her 20 year anniversary this month, and boy do I feel older than I should right now!

And, to make matters worse, Gremlins is celebrating its 25th anniversary! As I say this I am looking at my Mogwai dolls and weeping on the inside. It's sad to think of my childhood toys as vintage, but, well... shit.

Seriously America? You Fucking Motards...

Goddamnit I fucking hate little teeny boppers right now! They stole the American Idol crown from the man who truly deserved it (Adam Lambert). Instead, it was given to some Jack Johnson wannabe Christian mid-western fucktard (Kris Allen).

Seriously? You fucking douchey little girls and you're "he's so cute with his sideways mouth and lame guitar strumming bullshit!" You all make me want to PUKE.

I am officially done with American Idol. I almost got away this year, but thanks to idolthreats.blogspot.com (which stopped posting mid-season, you jerks!) I got hooked again, only to be let down inthe finale... and now I owe Fina $10 too!! Fuck me!!

American Idol sucks because America SUCKS!!

So there.

Angelyne is Getting Oooold

The shining star that is Angelyne was seen out and about in Los Angeles today in her famous pink corvette. The natural beauty was out buying groceries or some shit... who really cares? The point is that this beautiful flower is wilting with age! Her boobies are still perky, and she's managed to maintain her barbie-esque figure, but her face... well, is her face. And her face is old!

I guess I've always just believed those billboards her boyfriend/sugar daddy/whatever put up all over town a year or two ago making her ass look young and lovely.

I'm not one for putting down other ladies, and there's nothing wrong with getting old... I'm just saying that these pictures surprised the hell out of me!

Happy Birthday Grace Jones!!

You Badass Bitch.

BLOG HIATUS

What, you hadn't noticed?

It's true, I will be taking a blog hiatus for about another week. I just got home, started a new job, my internet is kinda shitty right now, and an old friend is in town and we're hanging out a lot, so my witty remarks and hilarious one way banter will be put on hiatus until I get my shit together... probably sometime next week. I'll post about it on facebook to let all you faithful readers know, but keep checking back as well as I tend to post things randomly as I have time...



xoxoxoxo Cindy

This Woman is Amazing

Turn the volume down for this shit, unless you're into terrible, insanely repetitive music. But be sure to watch because this lady is fucking RAD. She's not even sexy, she's just hard core amazing.

When I grow up, I wanna be a bitchin pole dancer!!

Happy Mother's Day you Pervs!

This is some funny shit right here...

At Least He Had His Hankie in His Lap

I never thought I'd be reposting something that came off of Ashton Kutcher's goddamn Twitter, but hey, even morons get it right once in a while.

Anyway, here's a little story before we get to the goods. About six months ago I was taking a walk around the lake in Oakland, just minding my own business, when I noticed a man in his car (a Buick, no less), masturbating. He was a big, fat man, and I actually saw his penis. I felt dirty for like an entire week. Seriously. That shit scarred my ass for a long, long time! I don't know that I'll ever be able to ride in a Skylark again... sigh.

So when this video showed up on the interwebs today, I was a little apprehensive. But then I watched, and I laughed, just like the annoying dude filming this poor pervert.

It's amazing how sex will turn a bunch of 'office workers' into 15 year olds... and it's funny how quickly I take that ride back in time with them. Enjoy...


EMBED-I Won A Math Debate - Watch more free videos

Two Puppets Talk About Exercise

Oh LAME LAME LAME!!

Why in the name of all that is the 80's would they ever dare make a new Karate Kid?? Is Hollywood really so desperate for story lines that they have to steal from the 80's? (of all eras! For fuck's sake!) Apparently, the answer is yes.

If you want to read the plot of this upcoming turd of a movie, click here, but basically there's a video-game-loving, skateboarding little boy named Dre (yea, fucking Dre) whose mom moves him to China because of the recession (seriously?), where he of course gets beat up, etc. etc. until he is taken under the martial arts wing of a kind old Chinese man, played by... are you ready... Jackie fucking Chan. WHAT THE FUCK?

Poor Pat Morita must be rolling over in his grave.

Really, what's next? I don't even want to list my favorite 80's movies on here for fear I'll jinx them into shitty remakes, but I swear to GOD if they touch the Goonies... heads will roll!

I'm just glad my brothers don't read my blog (jerks) because I hate to see grown men cry.

Ageism at It's Finest... Fucking Cops!

As a 20 year veteran, wouldn't you think that fucking dickhead would be used to hearing swearing from time to time? If that was my dad I'd be freaking the fuck out too! And then to have some punk ass, fat ass prude cop tell me not to swear on the phone?

What was this guy on? Seriously, can teenagers not have emergencies? What a prick!

Because an iPhone Isn't Decadent Enough

This is totally ridiculous. And yet, I see it becoming a huge hit at parties all over the Los Angeles area...

Oh Dear Lord

Here we have the Cuchini, which is quite possibly the most horrifying thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I don't even know where to start with this insanity.

So, the "Cuchini" (a combo of coochi and bikini, I'm guessing? Becuase all the women I know call their vaginas "coochies") is supposed to be used when you're wearing skin tight pants or a bikini, and is placed over your vagina to help avoid camel toe.

Checking out the website, I can only guess this product was developed by a permanently drunken frat house... Who else would be both lame enough to call it a "Cuchini" and disrespectful enough to actually try to market it using this website? A camel in a bikini? For fuck's sake!!

And no, I do not believe that the women they have on the site actually came up with this. But I bet they use them!!

Although, I have to say, that youtube video talking about my "clam", "coochie", "taco", and whatever other disgusting shit words used to refer to women's genitalia really sold me on the product. I'm now so embarrassed by being a woman that I feel if I don't buy these to cover up the disgrace that is my vagina I will never be able to leave the house again!

Man Gunned Down by Killer Robot!!

It's not as scary as you think, but it is pretty funny, in a darkly hilarious way...

An 81 year old man was sick and tired of his family bugging him to move into an assisted living facility, so he BUILT A FUCKING ROBOT TO KILL HIMSELF WITH.

Fox News, being the honest, non-sensationalistic news station they are, gave their version of the story the lovely title you see above. Which is totally hilarious!!

What I don't understand is why, at 81 years old, would you kill yourself? It's a little late, don't you think? And even if you decide to kill yourself, why would you go to the trouble of building a fucking robot to do it? I mean, besides the obvious answer that it's a fucking dope way to go...!

Anyway, here's the link if you want to read about this insanity...

And no, I can't find the directions for the robot! If anyone does, send them my way... I'm dying (no pun intended) to know how that shit works!

Jane Fonda = Sexy Granny

Twenty-seven years after she first donned her workout gear, Jane Fonda once again wore a spandex outfit, this time for charity. And may I just say, she is looking GOOD.








When I'm 71 I hope to be half as hot as Ms. Fonda... fingers crossed!

Friends Don't Lie To Friends

My friend told me about this site the other day, and it seriously tickled me, so I thought I would post about it here, along with one of its finest gems...

If you've ever had that weirdo roommate, coworker, or friend that just can't seem to communicate outside of really annoying, passive aggressive notes (we all know those people), then this site will probably make you laugh a lot.



And can I just say that I'm glad to see that pink pen ink, heavy bubble lettering, and "w/b" are still in effect long after I left junior high. Memories...

Just Sayin'

Shit! Bull

This video of a bull in a supermarket in Ireland made me laugh out loud. It's only funny because nobody got hurt. If somebody had got hurt it would instantly become hilarious. I kid! I kid! Geez...

NOOOO!!!

Bea Arthur DIED!!

She died of cancer (who knew she was ever sick?) She was 86.

The World got a little less Golden today...

Terrifying

This Guy's a Joke, Right?

Has anyone ever heard of Arthur Kade? He's some dickbag in NYC that thinks he's some sort of Guru for wannabe star douchbags (I'm sure he doesn't use that exact terminology, but he should).

Anyway, I was reading Jezebel earlier today when I came upon an article about his blog, wherein he talks about how hot women need to shave themselves - completely - in order to be a ten in his book or earn his overnight affections (which is what we're all trying to do, right? Score some sleazy one night stand with an asshole... my life's goal!)

In his lovely blog he says, and I quote: "One of my biggest pet peeves is a girl who is not probably groomed on all parts of her body."

Clearly, this guy is deserving of his guru status. Probably? Not probably groomed? I'm often probably groomed, but I'm never definitely groomed.. you can just never be sure with a girl like me. Guess I'll never be a ten... darn!

He then goes on to talk about how disgusted he was with his most recent nurse because she had a visible mustache... oh, by the way, he was at the doctor to get some Accutane. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but how are you going to judge someone when you're there for acne medication? Seriously!

I went on to read some of his other blogs, and all I can say is that I sincerely, truly hope that his blog is a joke and that this man is just some construction of the geniuses over at The Onion or something. Seriously, he's like something out of American Psycho! Fucking creepy, man.

I suggest if you go to his blog that you take a look at some of the comments posted by the readers, as some of them are pretty hilarious. And that's about the most you'll get out of his blog, aside from a stomach ache and new found hatred for the world.

Click here for the jezebel article (definitely worth a read) or here for this shitwad's blog.

A High-Priced Victory for the Transgender Community

While gossip jerkoff Perez Hilton, along with every ridiculous news program in the country, is busy talking about how stupid and hateful Miss California is for her views on gay marriage (which is true, but regardless is a ridiculous waste of time to focus on) a major piece of news from the transgender community is being grossly overlooked. I guess it's easier to talk about these things abstractly (especially when there's celebrities involved) but seriously, this is important...

For the first time ever, a man was convicted of a hate crime in the murder of a transgender teen he met online.

Allen Andrade met with Angie Zapata after meeting on the internet. He then murdered her because she was biologically a he. Andrade's defense said it was a crime of passion because he thought the victim was a bio girl, but when he found out otherwise he snapped. The jury didn't buy that shit, and now he's in jail for the rest of his miserable life.

This is a major win for the transgender community and transgender rights (and a step in the right direction for all of us) but the cost of this victory is way too high. The mere fact that transgender people are fighting to have crimes against them called hate crimes speaks to a larger problem within our society, and something that shouldn't be overlooked in favor of considering this verdict a victory.

Angia Zapata was only 18 years old when she was beaten to death with a fucking fire extinguisher by a hateful man who said, and I quote, "all gay things must die".

What the fuck is wrong with us?

Click here for the full article.

Happy Birthday John Waters!

Today, the King (Queen?) of Filth turns 63. In his honor, I've posted one of my favorite moments from the film "Pink Flamingos" - No, it's not the poop eating, promise, but it's almost that good...

Crackers, my only son!!!

They Waterboarded the Smirk Right off This Playboy's Face

Waterboarding is scary. Fucking terrifying, actually. It's torture, and it's not a joke.

So of course, playboy.com had to send one of their really hip, fast-talking reporters out to see what all the fuss is about and to try it out for himself (it's what all the cool kids are doing, don't you know!)

He even made a bet that he could last for 15 seconds... yes, he made a bet on torture. Isn't that just so subversive and racy?!? God, he's cool.

Well, about 6 seconds into it, all his cool falls to floor along with his I-can't-take-it-anymore signal.



What a douche.

In the end, though, the result is the same: even though the dude doing the torturing doesn't see it as torture (it just makes people feel like they're "drownding"! No biggie!) it clearly shakes this dickbag to the core.

Freaky shit, yo.

Awesome New Technology Lets You Type What You're Thinking

No, really. I'm not joking. How dope is that?

Ever since I was a kid I've wished I could just put a cap on my head and record all the thoughts going through it without having to pause to write them down. Now, thanks to some awesome science dudes, my childhood dream is a little closer to becoming a reality.

The technology is still really basic at this point, sort of like sending a text message, wherein you have to scroll through the letters mentally until the come to the one you want, but still, we can now think something and have it appear on our computer screen.

If that's not cool, then I don't know what is.

This technology is really supposed to be used for those who are speech impaired or cannot use computers for whatever reasons, but as it progresses I'm sure we'll all be using this shit one day. And especially if we get to wear those cool hats too!

If you're as big of a dork as I am, then you can read the full article about it here.

This is Wonderful. And Ridiculous.

It's always interesting to see what 'family friendly' words will be used to replace swear words on movies being shown on network TV. I remember in the 80's when they played the first Terminator, when Sarah Connor is supposed to say "You're terminated, fucker!" instead she said something like "you're terminated, jerk" or something lame like that. It wasn't even creative. I have heard some really good ones since then, though, but I can't think of any right now... but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Regardless, I'm sure no one has ever heard anything as good as the one in the clip above... what exactly is a Monday-to-Friday plane? Sounds like a long, uncomfortable trip to me... but snakes fighting monkeys might make it a bit more interesting at least... why's Mr. Jackson gotta spoil the fun?

I'll Be Doing This A Lot

I heard somewhere that Robert Pattinson might be at Coachella this year, which gave me an excuse to post a picture of him, which gave me an excuse to look for a picture of him, which allowed me to stare at his hotness for about ten minutes, pretending to look for that one perfect picture (as if they're not all fantastic). I finally settled on this one:



Is he really at Coachella? Who cares! I don't need to know where he is to know he's a hot piece. Rawr.

A World Without the Gap?

Say it isn't so! How will the world survive without khaki pants and overpriced pea coats??? HOW??

According to wallstreet247.com, we'll have to find a way, because the Gap, along with 11 other major brands, including Borders Books (who would have thought?) will disappear by the year 2010 if sales don't pick up, and soon. Considering the current economy, I'm guessing this is not going to happen, so we'll just have to say buh bye to these giant retailers...

This actually kind of makes me sad. I know these are all giant chain stores that promote mindless consumerism, etc. etc, but these are also brands that have been around for a really long time, and to see our economy going so poorly that they have to close is pretty scary. And, more importantly, where will I go to get my 2010 kitten calendar if there's no Borders??

Anyway, if you want to see the full list of companies they expect to go under (you know, if you've had a good day and want to really take yourself down a notch) then click here.

Also, apologies for the lack of postings. I was too busy barfing all weekend to type much. Good times...!

This is... Awkward.

Here's another posting about the lovely caterpillar browed Susan Boyle, who looks like a man, but sings like an angel... sorry, I call them like I see them.

You can watch the original video in the posting below (two posts down I believe) but basically this woman has lived with her mother until she died, has never been kissed, and is just really weird and kind of sad. Or at least that's how the media portrays her. People always love a sob story, right?

She recently went on Britain's Got Talent to show off her skills, and you could just tell the judges were waiting to tear her apart (because, obviously, if she's ugly or fat she won't be able to sing... only skinny, beautiful people are talented. DUH, people). Then she belted out a song from Les Miz, and she was just like an angel.

Anyway, here's an extremely uncomfortable interview with Susan from the Today Show or some other shit show on in the morning. I have to admit, she's a weird, weird woman, but again I feel as though they are talking to her like an idiot because of how she looks... because again, ugly people are also either totally diabolical or totally moronic... duh.

Regardless of our media's transparent biases, the interview is worth a look... as is the video below. Although I would like to point out that if she was young or pretty, nobody would give two shits that she can sing like that. Just sayin'.


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Hey Oakland Peeps!!

Get involved!! It's OUR community, so let's all take care of it...


(click the image for a larger view)

And Now For Something Completely Different

This shit made me tear up while... yeah, so what? The poor woman's never been kissed! And you could just see the hunger in Simon's eyes... he was just waiting to tear her apart, as if she's not sad enough with no job, no love life, no nothing really very redeeming... except for... well, just watch.

This is Seriously Nasty... Seriously.

Thank god I don't eat this shit to begin with...



Seriously, though, what kind of geniuses post this shit on Youtube? Wow, now you're famous for being disgusting assholes. Good job! At least it's making my diet plan a lot easier to follow through on...! Fucking GROSS.

Apparently these jerks were fired and may even face charges against them, but still... I feel sorry for the poor slobs who ate that shit... gotta love the mid-west!!

Robert Pattinson Looking Like a Gay Pirate

Last week I finally broke down and watched the teen sensation known as Twilight, and ever since I've felt like a giddy fucking 13 year old. I seriously bought the goddamn movie, along with the newest issue of GQ, and a poster (it was for someone, I swear, but still...)

Which is why, when I found this picture, I knew I had to post it to remind myself, along with millions of other women (and men, I'm sure) that he is just a man. A tall, masculine, sexy, tall, pale, beautiful, tall man, but still, just a man (and barely that at 22 years old, mind you).

Regardless, I'd still let him plunder my booty any day. Arrrgh, matey.

If you want more pictures of Rob Pattinson actually looking good, just come find me as I now have 100s of them on my computer. Apparently, on top of being an idiotic teeny bopper, I'm now also an online stalker. Damn you, RPatz!! (that's what the kids are calling him, right?)

Stains + Magic Wig Lady = Phil Spector's Mug Shot

No, that's not a make-up-less Michael Jackson; it's Phil Spector's mug shot, taken right after that bitch got told he's going to the pokey for MUR-DAH!

Let this be a lesson to all wig wearing psychos out there: your locks may look beautiful and classy, but they won't save your ass if you kill your lady friend. And neither will trying to impersonate Stains in your mug shot.

There's still no news on how long he'll be playing hide the salami with Jimbo the Pimp of cell block C, but if all my schoolin' serves me right he's got a minimum of 15 years coming to him... which leaves only one question:

HOW WILL HIS WIG SURVIVE???

Germany says NO to Baby Hilter

Wait a minute... I need to get more stoned before I write about this... better.

It's important for people to use condoms for many reasons, including keeping bastard children from being spawned and avoiding the HIV. But whoever thought of this campaign in Germany is a true, magical genius.





These pictures are AMAZING!! And the message is even better: use condoms or you could be responsible for the next Adolf Hitler! Or the next Bin Laden, or Mao... oh shit! (Because obviously anyone irresponsible enough to accidentally get pregnant is going to be a horrible parent and produce a tyrant/terrorist/god knows what.)

Oh Germany. First you have Obama Fingers, and now this... what will you think of next? I wait with bated breath...

You. F-ing. Moron.

Polar bear lovers beware: if you try to hug a polar bear, it will try to eat your stupid ass.

The dingbat dipshit below (Darwin award runner up since she didn't actually die) illustrates...

Click here for the story, if you haven't already read that shit (where have you been, Utah?)

A Good Way to Start the Day...

Not only does this dog sing, but s/he almost manages to sing in tune... And can we please talk about its owner's awesome blue overalls and wayfarers? So ZZ Top, but I don't think he's being ironic...!


And then there's this one, for Diva:


Now try to tell me that didn't make your morning better!!

Banksy Gets Tagged

It's a tough world out there for street artists these days, and "subversive" artist Banksy is not immune. The former Public Enemy #1, who has in recent years bucked the system by, oh, I don't know, selling his works for hundreds of thousands of dollars to celebrity jerkoffs who love his brand of super safe subversiveness, has now become victim to some other jerkoffs who can't even make art.

Instead, they destroy the art of others in some stupid attempt to make a point about capitalism. Yeah yeah yeah, we all went to college. We all read Marx. Banksy is a hypocrite, but who isn't? I bet these fuckfaces got up the next day and went to work for the Man so they could buy more Super-Soakers and spray paint to make their trite little point (which was already made... by BANKSY!)

Gawker.com thinks this stunt may be Banksy himself. I personally don't think he's that heavy handed or obvious. He's not my favorite artist, but he is a clever, quick-witted guy. This shit is just childish and lame.

Anyway, here's these dope's manifesto (if you can call it that... who do they think they are?)

In the early hours of this morning, Banksy's 'Mild Mild West' on Stokes Croft in Bristol (UK) was repainted by a member of Appropriate Media, presenting an alternative version of this 'alternative Bristol landmark'.

Through this action, Appropriate Media asks ?What is the value of street art??. How much time and money will be spent to restore this urban 'masterpiss' by urban masterpisser, Banksy.

Come on, you only care about it cos its a Banksy and he sells his lazy polemics to Hollywood movie stars for big bucks.

Come on, you only care about it cos makes you feel edgy and urban to tour round the inner city in your 4x4, taking in the tired coffee table subversion that graffiti has become.

Graffiti artists are the copywriters for the capitalist created phenomenon of urban art.
Graffiti artists are the performing spray-can monkeys for gentrification.
We call for the appropriate and legitimate use of public and private property.

We are taking matters into our own hands

We will not seek permission

We will retaliate"

LAME.

They Should Change Her Name From Sophie to Savage

Sophie the dog went on a vacation with her family last year and was on a boat on the Queensland Cost near Australia when some big ass wave dumped her overboard! Her family thought she was lost forever and, of course, were devastated.

However, Sophie the dog went on to swim five miles (doggy paddled, no less!) to safety on the shore of some nearly uninhabited island, where she survived on a diet of baby goats! Side note here: AWWW, THOSE POOR BABY GOATS!!! :(

WHAT A SAV! Savage Sophie lived for about four months this way (that's a lot of baby goats!) until one of the three people who live on the Lost island and aren't ghosts (sorry, throwing in the pop culture theories) found her ass, which was promptly returned to her family... yay for Sophie! And for the goat population on Lost!!

(no, it wasn't really Lost island, and if you believed me, you're silly)

Take a Stand for Women's Reproductive Health!

I can't go because I'll be working for the Man, but if anybody can make it (this is for Bay Area folks only) it would be a great show of support...

See below:

Hey everybody,

as you may know, i work for the women's choice clinic, an abortion and
reproductive health clinic in downtown oakland. we just lost our lease
and are closing down after 37 years of rad feminist work because the
state hasn't paid for approved medi-cal and family pact services for
months. there is going to be a press conference this wednesday (the
8th) at frank ogawa plaza from 1 to 1:30 and i was hoping that you or
anyone you know could attend. we need hella support right now cuz
we're like bankrupt, evicted, and somehow need to store medical
records for 7 years. sorry for the short notice, i just found out
about it today.

thank you!
nicole

Kumar Goes To White... House?

If you're like me, then you've probably drifted off to sleep to dreams of licking honey (or some such naughty, sticky something) off of the pillowy lips of Kal Penn. I'm not joking when I say that the first time I saw Harold and Kumar is the first time I decided I love Indian men. Mmmmm!!

Which is why I almost started watching House again when he became a cast member. But, sadly, I just don't have the time...

This is also why I actually watched last night's episode, but to my dismay, that was the episode where his character decided to blow his fucking brains out! Seriously, what kind of shitty ass luck do I have? Geez.

Apparently, the reason Dr. Kutner (that's my honey's name on the show) had to be given the Big Sleep was so that Kal can go work for the White House. No, not some West Wing knockoff bullshit. The ACTUAL White House. He worked at the DNC, and now he's an official bitch boy for Obama (that lucky bastard President!)

His official position will be associate director in the White House office of public liaison.

Mr. Juicylips says of his new job:

“They do outreach with the American public and with different organizations. They’re basically the front door of the White House,” Penn said. “They take out all of the red tape that falls between the general public and the White House. It’s similar to what I was doing on the campaign.”

Hot, funny, and politically active (although perhaps a bit misguided, working for the White House and all...) Damn it, he's one sexy bitch!

Introducing: The New Freddie Krueger!

This man looks pretty creepy, so he might just be able to save yet another potentially awful remake of what I consider to be a classic film.

Nightmare on Elm Street litterally scared the piss out of me as a child, so when I heard they were remaking it I was a bit torn. Part of me was freaked out because I'm still (legitimately) afraid of Freddie, and another part of me was excited because if the movie sucks ass, maybe I'll be able to get over my insane fear of that burnt up psycho. I wasn't really sure how to feel...

But now: Rorschach himself is going to play Freddie, and that scares me! This actor (Jackie Earle Haley) played not only Rorschach in Watchmen (which I haven't seen but I heard he was perfect) he also played the Mr. Molester in Little Children. Okay, that wasn't his name, but it should have been! Fucking CREEP!

And now he's here to haunt me, 22 years after I saw Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time. After all these years of thinking and hoping I was over the nightmare, they're going to fucking scare me again.

Well fuck you, Freddie. Bring it! Not really. I'll never go see this film. MARK MY WORDS.

My Boyfriend Got Skinny!

Now if we could only do something about his laugh...

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This Gave Me Chills

I'm not one to get all serious on my blog (barring a few political rants), but as a woman who was at one point a victim of domestic violence myself, I found this commercial to be extremely disturbing -- and important.

Keira Knightley (whom I generally HATE, but today...) plays the role of herself coming home from a day at work, only to find her angry boyfriend yelling at her about kissing someone in a movie script. He then throws a towel in her face, pushes her to the ground, and starts kicking her in the stomach repeatedly. The camera pulls back to show they are still on set... (showing women are degraded and objectified at home and at work... not sure if that was part of the point, but it's a nice by-product.)

While this is clearly in response to the recent Chris Brown/Rihanna attack, it's also a really great way of expressing that this type of violence can happen to anyone, regardless of age, race, or even beauty and success.

It's often very difficult for women to come forward and admit what's going on in their relationships. The embarrassment, the guilt (yes, we feel guilty for telling), and the love for the person hurting us is sometimes too much to bear, so we stay quiet and allow ourselves to be degraded, humiliated, and physically and emotionally harmed.

But hopefully with ads like this (it is graphic, but that's the point) women will see that they are not alone, and that they can do something about their situations. Hopefully this will anger victims enough to take a stand, seek the help they need, and get out of their violent relationships...

Okay, sorry. Next post will be funny, I promise!!

Miss Universe: Making Us Ladies Look GOOD. Or Not...

Well, now we know why she's Miss Universe and not Miss Rocket Scientist...

If we all listened to Miss Universe's most recent blog posting (which was quickly taken down by her handlers) we'd all be booking our vacation to Guantanamo right now! Because when she went it was just beautiful, and so relaxing... what an idiot!

Here's some awesome quotes from her blog (taken from my idol blog, Dlisted. com):

This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.
We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how they recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable, we were able to enjoy it for at least an hour.

I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.


WOW. WOW.
What else can you say to that?

I'm really wondering what kind of demonstration the lovely Military dogs gave... maybe eating detainees' genitals or something? She probably thought it was a fun play the detainees had planned for her as part of their 'recreation' time.

And if she really never wanted to leave all she had to was threaten to bomb something... or, better yet, just dress like a Muslim and try to mind her own business... she'd have a one way paid ticket to the Guantanamo Resort in no time!

I'm Not Sure How To Feel About This

This site is funny/sad/makes me feel like an asshole for laughing...

http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com

GO AMERICA!!!

ShamWow Guy Beats Up Cannibal Hooker

I stole that headline from Gawker, because really, you can't make a better headline than that. It pretty much sums up the entire story AND it's hilarious. So there you have it.

Anyway, that creepy ShamWow dude (real name Vince Shlomi - he also hocks the appropriately named Slap Chop gadget) paid a hooker to sleep with his scammer ass. He gave her $1000 for "straight sex" but the lady cannibal had something else in mind and bit his tongue.

Apparently, she wouldn't let go until he Slap Chopped her ass in the face a bunch of times! After which he ran to the lobby of the hotel where they were doing the dirty and called the police. The Smoking Gun got hold of the report, which basically says what I just summed up for you all... good shit! It also has mug shots of the woman, if you're interested... she's kinda hot, for a cannibal hooker anyway...

Fuck the President(s)

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Obama to America: Yes we Can, but Not For at Least Four Years

Yesterday, President Obama held a press conference (third one in 65 days, I believe -- slow down buddy!) about the economy, supposedly in order to promote/defend his bailout.

He started off with an inspirational speech saying things like: We're all in this together, the recovery is coming, we all need to be patient, etc. etc. basically telling us that all would be well by the end of his first term in office (he says first as if there will be a second - we'll see...) Essentially, it was all the smooth talking we've come to expect from our gracious leader.

But when it came time to give the floor over to the press and answer those hard-hitting questions we were all sure were coming from the mass media, what we got was a bunch of soft-core crap. Even the more hateful reporters (like Major Garrett - nice name, douche -- from darling FOX, of course) were still just lame ducks, basically spoon-feeding the President redundant and meaningless questions, effectively giving him even more time to simply repeat his plans with no real accountability.

Further, many major news sources were left completely out of the picture. The New York Times, who has a full transcript and video of the conference, were conspicuously absent from the questioning process, as were The Washington Post and Wall Street Journal (hello!?!), among others.

Instead, we had someone from Univision asking about border control. Like we'll be able to understand his answer in spanish! Sheesh!

Anyway, having now been greatly affected by this shitbag economy and not seeing any quick fix in the near future, I just want to say that Obama can hold as many prefab press conferences as he wants, but when it comes down to it, the proof is, as they say, in the pudding. So in a year from now we may all be rich, riding high on a new economy. But that's not likely. What's more likely is that in a year from now, when we've all moved in with our parents and defaulted on our student loans, Obama will be there, holding his 100th press conference, repeating the same mantra of patience on the part of the little people.

Remember, people: Sacrifice starts at home. As if we could forget!