Kids, Birds, Whatever

Three morons were just caught in Louisiana for trying to trade two children for a cockatoo and $175. Apparently a couple were selling the bird for $1500, and the classy lady who wanted the bird couldn't afford the asking price, so instead she offered the children of one of her relatives who is currently on the lam somewhere.

Seriously, this is some back woods shit right here.

The couple selling the bird (the Romeros) not only traded the bird for the kids, they also paid the woman $175 for them! This may sound insensitive, but I think the bird owners got ripped off. They gave up their bird and $175 for two kids? That's not a good business move, guys. And what the hell suddenly possessed them to buy two children? They were trying to get rid of a bird! How does that leap of logic happen?

I just don't understand this shit. This is too twisted even for me (and that's saying something). The two kids are now in a foster home and the three stooges involved in this mess are in jail where they belong (it's either there or a mental hospital)...

And can I just point out how scary all three of these people look? Can you believe any of them are allowed to even be near children? They all look like serial killers! Seriously, I swear I've seen them on a Fox News Most Wanted list or some shit. Seriously.

Check out the smoking gun for the whole story...

Snuggie vs Slanket: Which Lame Product Will Assholes Buy More Of?

The New York Times must have their heads up their asses if they have time to be writing about shit like product wars between two companies selling sleeved blankets. I, on the other hand, find this topic to be perfectly suitable for my blog (2nd grade reading level, y'all!)

So apparently every obese shut-in, cult member, and wanna-be wizard in the world are buying these ridiculous sleeved blankets so that when it's cold they can still use the remote to change the channel without having to take their blanket off (I'm sorry, what? Are they disabled? I know people are lazy and stupid, but seriously??)

Cocky Jerk Jay Leno asks, "why not just put your robe on backwards?" Because, dumbass, robes are meant to be worn face foward - you can't go bucking the system like that! DUH. And besides, my robe doesn't make me look nearly as cool and wizard-like as this shit!

This product is especially good if you're trying to be celibate, because nobody will want to fuck your crazy, puffy ass when you wear this thing. Which I guess fits the shut-in, cult member, and wanna-be wizard lifestyle pretty well...

Below I've put the actual Snuggie commercial that has helped them sell over 4 million of these things since October (god help us all).

Happy Birthday Elizabeth Taylor!

Elizabeth Taylor Turns 77 years young today. And to celebrate, I thought I'd post a video of her doing what she does best: talking about marriage. Or rather, howling about it...

Must we Americanize EVERYTHING?

What we have here is an abomination! An atrocity! A crime against humanity! ROAST BEEF SUSHI!

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? If you don't like raw fish, don't eat sushi... and if you can't afford sushi, just get a fucking sandwich! None of this McDonald's hybrid bullshit. That's just gross... sorry, slow news day today...!

I love how whoever originally posted this picture marked it "fail". Truer words were never spoken...

Why Would They Do This To Falcor???

They are going to fuck with a masterpiece and there's NOTHING (haha, neverending story joke already!) we can do about it! FUCK!

Warner Bros. blasphemous asses are going to ruin a classic and remake The Neverending Story. WTF?? Seriously, why can't they just quit while they're ahead? Didn't they learn anything from The Neverending Story II (although it did star Jonathan Brandis, god rest his teen heart-throb soul), or how about the direct to video Neverending Story III? Give it a rest, people!

And you know they're going to fuck with Falcor. His sweet, slow electronic eyes and jerky hinged mouth will soon be replaced with CGI bullshit that will probably make him into some glittery dickbag flying dog with lame one liners... god I hate Hollywood!

In protest, let's all stop using our imaginations, then maybe this piece of turd will be swallowed up into The Nothing and we won't have to endure this madness...!

Burnt Toast

I don't know why or how this picture came to be, but looking at it makes me never want to eat bacon, burnt, toast, or anything fried ever again, because all I'll be able to think about is this man's neck.

And also because I need to eat healthy if I want to get totally ripped like these two sex pots. Duh.

"Blake Incarcerated" Needs a (Likely Temporary) New Nickname

Blake Incarcerated is incarcerated no more! Although something tells me this will last about a week until he finds a crack rock he just can't live without, falls in love, smokes it up, and fails another drug test. And then he can return to his full potential as Blake Incarcerated and all will be right in the world!

I'm sure he was smoking 'the crack' when he tried on, bought, and decided to wear those shoes, and they're absolutely beautiful, so that right there goes to show that Blake Incarcerated + Crack = Love (and amazing fashion).

Ms. Winehouse (respect the lady, she's amazing, cracky or drunk or whatever, she can still sing better than you) was not at Mr. Incarcerated's jail break, uh, release, which makes my heart happy because it means she'll hopefully continue breaking up lesbian couples in St. Lucia and writing music rather than licking coke lines of Blakey's pasty taint. Lovely visual, no?

Annie Leibowitz is a Dumbfuck (Who Pawned All her Photos)

Take that crown off, dear. The queen has been dethroned.

Annie Leibowitz is paid $2 million dollars a year by Vanity Fair for her "amazing" work (15-year-olds posing nude is something our society simply cannot live without, you know). $2 MILLION. So how, how, HOW does this woman get herself into so much debt that she loses all the rights to her own work? How greedy and ridiculous must she be to need to borrow upwards of $15 million in order to maintain her lifestyle? According to this article, it's certainly not going to her set designers or stylists, unless, or course, they sue her stingy ass.

Apparently the money's being used to renovate her townhouses, which she also put up as collateral for the loans (which makes total sense: put a bunch of borrowed money into the thing you're using as collateral for the loans! That way, when you default, not only do you lose your homes, but you lose all the money you borrowed too! Brilliant!) So until all those loans are paid off, the rights to some of the most influential mainstream photographs belong to some trumped up pawn shop. Way to go, Annie. You freaking idiot.

The moral of this story? LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, PEOPLE. Even rich assholes can go broke.

Michael Stipe is a Twat Waffle

That's what Sara Barron says in her new book, People Are Unappetizing (Even Me). The book chronicles her time working at Otto, some fancy pants restaurant in New York (people had thought she was working for Mario Batali and that he was the asshole chef she speaks of, but it wasn't him -- he's way too fat and jolly!)

Although she hides the names of many of the celebrity guests in her book, she gives seemingly very obvious clues as to who they are and then trashes the shit out of them... which is fine by me if it creates fantastic nicknames like "Twat Waffle". And she calls the restaurant "Hell" which is something I can now unfortunately appreciate (not all restaurants can be the Blue Star...)

Anyway, here's a blurb from New York mag summarizing her Michael Stipe story. He sounds like a major princess douchebag, and if I worked there and he pulled this shit with me... well, I guess she got the last laugh, though, didn't she?

And she'd better hope this books sells like Twat Waffles, because I'm pretty sure she'll never work in food service again...!

Then, of course, there’s the customer who’s the “worst of the worst,” Twat Waffle (apparently Michael Stipe), who got his name when he sent the chefs into a tizzy by ordering blueberry waffles at 3 a.m. (Twat Waffle’s meals are comped and Luigi allows him to smoke in the restaurant). Though Twat Waffle is Barron’s idol and she’s happy to serve him when all the other servers shirk, she ends up despising him when he rolls into the restaurant with “an entourage of gaunt homosexuals all in matching fedoras and Ray-Bans” (Twat Waffle himself is wearing affected, Bono-y sunglasses), talks to her only through a member of his entourage when he’s asked what kind of water he prefers, and then, after keeping the staff up till 5 a.m., leaves without tipping on a compensated meal worth $2,000 (par for the course, a fellow staffer informs her).

New York Mag Article

Faith No More Gives Us Faith Once Again...

That's right kids! Faith No More is reuniting!! Fuck yes!! And with Mike Patton (sorry Chuck Mosely, but seriously, you were kinda lame anyway). Unfortunately, thanks to Mike Patton being a pretentious Europhile (or some other reason, although I bet it's his fault) they will not be playing any US dates. However, the fact that they are reuniting at all gives me hope they will bend to the will of the American Masses and grace us with at least one show somewhere within our borders (and you'd better believe I'll be there will bells on).

Anyway, in honor of this momentous occasion, here's that famous Faith No More video for their eh song (there are so many better songs, but this video is pretty awesome - poor fishy!) "Epic":

For more on their reunion, click here.

Hit Your Spouse, Lose Your Pet

Aw, look at that sad dog! Well, hopefully this new bill, passed by the House Monday (and currently awaiting approval in the Senate), will help take his saddies away. See, if you live in Washington and hit your significant other, when they finally decide to leave your loser ass they can take your jointly owned pets with them! Which is probably best for all parties involved (besides the abuser, but really, fuck them).

Think about it: Sad abusee gets loyal, loving friend, who gets to leave a volatile, abusive environment and go live with the master who truly deserves their love. Beautiful. As to whether or not this will actually lessen domestic violence, I have to say it's not likely; however, it is a step in the right direction for taking the power away from abusers.

To read more about this coolness, click here.

ps. I find it really strange and funny that at the bottom of the article they say a little one sentence blurb about other bills going to the Senate, including a child prostitution bill and a malt liquor keg selling bill. How did the doggy story get top billing???

For All the Kinky Grannies

Who knew knitting could be so kinky? And also so warm and fuzzy? Here we have a "fetish sweater" aka penis koozie aka butt-tickling c-ck warmer (sorry, I got squeamish using the other c word).

Who would wear this? Or maybe, who wouldn't? I know a few readers are probably getting their credit cards out as they read. Or maybe calling up their open-minded friends or grandmothers to ask them to knit something like this for them... you dirty birds!

I especially love that they use a female mannequin to show the thong. It's like equal opportunity fetishism. Why not keep your strap-on warm? I'm sure you're girlfriend would appreciate it, anyway.

Make sure you check out this kinky ebayer's store for more interesting and freaky ball warmers, dickbags (I love using that term in an appropriate context), etc. They even come in pink! How cute is that??

Link to the awesome ebay store here.

Oscars Anyone?

Let's see a show of hands of people who watched the Oscars... yeah, me neither. However, I was told repeatedly about the acceptance speech of Lance Black, the man who wrote the screenplay for Milk and won the Oscar. It is an eloquent, moving, emotional (and very well rehearsed) speech, and I think it deserves a little space on my blog. I'm not a god-believer, but if I was I would agree that he loves all of us regardless of our sexual orientation (if he truly loves all of us, there's a lot more he's turning a blind eye to than just sexuality!).

The Soup + Stains = Heaven

Okay, so this isn't the most amazing video of the Soup, but it's still funny, AND it features the creepiest dog alive, Stains (of It's Me or the Dog fame).

Those cheeky bastards at the Soup named Stains entertainer of the year, probably because his mesmerizing eye-stare made them do it... and as a result, CUPCAKES!! Poor, sweet Stains finally got some delicious, sweet cupcakes... all is well in the world tonight...
Oh! Almost forgot! If you love Stains as much as I do you should check out his web site (God Bless the internet!): www.hypnodog.com

The Soup Awards: Stains Is Entertainer Of The Year
by TheDlisted

Blog Hiatus

Hey all!

I will be in beautiful Southern California until Monday night, so I will probably not be posting a blog because I will be too busy enjoying myself (and/or working... whatever).

I'll be back to posting Monday night... 'till then, enjoy the weekend kiddies!

The Life Your Wig Saves May Be Your Own

Wigs. Britney used to wear one (back when she was a nice British lass). In fact, her pink wig is nearly as famous as she is, and definitely a lot more interesting.

Then there's this woman in one of my classes that wears a plethora of ugly, super fake looking wigs. I've always thought she was just some crazy old balding woman or someone with a personality disorder, but after seeing the clip below I'm beginning to think she just knows something we all have yet to realize... wigs are magical and will save your life!



Apparently, Briana Bond was in a convenience store parking lot when a car pulled up and the man inside told her that her ex still loved her. When she heard this, she flipped her beautiful wig hair at him and said something like "please, I am waaay too wig fine for that man!" (I'm paraphrasing). Suddenly, her crazy ex, probably mesmerized by her luscious wig, starting shooting at her (because he loved her so so much). She felt a bullet hit her head, but alas, she did not die!

Her wig saved her life. The netting on that beautiful mound of polyester hair stopped the bullet in its tracks.

I don't know about you all, but I'm going out right now to buy a wig. A purple wig, no less. Just because I'm buying it for protection (it's a hard knock life, you know) doesn't mean I have to skimp on beauty!

Uh... Seriously?

It finally happened: the thing drunk women sit around and joke about while waiting in line for the bathroom at their local bar has finally come to fruition. And it's not pretty.

This pink piss funnel is called the GoGirl (isn't there an energy drink with the same name? Gross in both cases). Basically, you're supposed to stick the wide end on your vag and pee through it, much like if you had a penis. Unfortunately, if we pee standing up it's going to go all over our pants, and a straight funnel isn't going to help with that. Maybe if it was curved so we could make it over our pants... why am I talking about this? This is just gross! What's next, urinals in the ladies' room? Who would use this?

Here's what their genius marketing team has to say...

Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to urinate while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discrete. It’s hygienic.

GoGirl is easy to use. Just lower your panties, and put GoGirl against your body, forming a seal. Aim and, well, pee. Pretty simple, huh?

I'm pretty sure women are able to go to the bathroom outside just as well as men, and the idea that we need to artificially attach a penis to ourselves for any reason (even with something this minor and stupid) is just ludicrous. And sort of sexist, too, when you think about it.

In short: No, girl!

The Truth About Fast Food

Does anybody else hate it when you're super hungry and watching TV (you know that's how you roll) and a fast food commercial comes on and the food looks SO GOOD and you just have to go get it right then?

Well, the next time you feel that way take a look at these pictures of what you really get when you order from your local fast food joint. It just might save you the trip, the calories, the stomach ache... and it's pretty funny, too...

http://www.urlesque.com/2009/02/19/the-truth-about-fast-food-pics-revealed-on-the-web/

Drunk Hilarity, uh, History

After all the bad mojo posts on here, I think it's time we lighten the mood with some goold old Drunk History, compliments of the boys at funnyordie.com I'll eventually post all of them, or you can go to their site to watch, but for now, here's there first installment. If only learning history was this much fun in highschool...

Drunk History Vol. 1 - Featuring Michael Cera from Michael Cera

Continuing with the Racist/Sexist Theme

The Jim Crow Museum of Racism is a great place to look up if ever you forget just how fucked up our world was (and currently is, really). Here we have some of the 'best of the worst' racist/sexist vintage products depicting 'jezebels' in the most stereotypical ways possible. The sexualization of African Women's bodies at a time when nudity and sexuality in general were taboo subjects speaks to the objectification and animalization of these women during this time. It wouldn't be okay to show a dignified white woman like this, but the blackness of the women dehumanizes them, therefore making this okay...? Guess that was the mentality...

Although this stuff is mind-blowingly awful, I have to admit the kitsch factor is through the roof (like with the Zulu Lulu stirring sticks, seen above)... unfortunately, so is the bad taste factor. I think I'll stick to big eye kids and tiki masks, thanks... read the museum article here, or for another blogger's take, click here.

DICKIPEDIA!!

This is amazing! The often hilarious people at the Huffington post have created 'dickipedia.org,' a list of people they consider dicks. There are many categories of dicks: political dicks, sports dicks, celebrity, dicks, even miscellaneous dicks (including my person fave, 'Your Mom'). The descriptions of elected dicks are pretty hilarious, so be sure to read through for your daily dose of snarkiness.

I'm pretty sure it's like wikipedia in that anyone can join and post a person they think is a dick. I found it while looking for gossip about Joaquin Pheonix (click here for his dickipedia page)... enjoy, kiddies!

This is for My Mills Ladies

We got into the LA Times! Or at least our concert hall did...

Update: CNN's report of the Racist Cartoon

Of course the dickbag is defending it, saying he can't see how anybody would relate a chimp being shot and the headline about the stimulus with President Obama. He's either a complete moron, or he thinks we all are.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/18/chimp.cartoon/

Our Progressive Nation Strikes Again!

It's hard to believe (or is it?) that this cartoon was created for a newspaper today, and that said newspaper actually published this disgusting turd of an editorial 'comic'. First, some asswipe (see below) called Obama a lapdog. Now, he's just a straight up monkey! Just like all black people (duh!)

Seriously, what a fuckface. How can something to shameful ever be thought of as funny or intelligent? And could he have been any more heavy-handed about it? Why not just post a giant banner with the 'N' word on it?

And what the fuck does the color of his skin have to do with his politics or the choices he makes for all of America? Seriously... fucking awful. I think after this shit I need a drink or two... and a shotgun. And that guy's address...

For anyone who wants to track this dickwad down and send him some love, here's the link to his hilarious and right on cartoon.

Kevin McCullough = the Male Ann Coulter

So this uber douche, Kevin McCullough, has decided that it is somehow appropriate to compare the new stimulus plan with sexual assault. That's right. Somehow this asshole thinks of getting taxes as pretty much the same thing as getting raped. He uses some fucked up RPG rape game on Amazon called "Rapelay" as his basis for comparison. Let's take a look at some of his more 'interesting' blog quotes:

In the game Rapelay, reviewers have stated that the player must first sexually assault a mother character and her two daughters before being allowed to then "pick" their next series of victims.

In the Congress of Washington DC liberals have seen to it that our mothers and daughters will have less money in the home budget working for their protection and welfare.

Wow. Could he be more right on? I mean, paying taxes for things like roads, running water, streetlights, etc. is EXACTLY like being stripped of your power, dignity, and sexuality. My favorite part about his quote is twofold, actually. First, I love that he only sees rape in terms of 'his' women. HIS mother. HIS daughters. Second, I love the implicit family roles within this quote. The mothers and daughters get stuck with the 'home budget'. But I guess we need it in order to be 'protected' (maybe from all those tax hiking rapist liberals out there?)

In the game Rapelay the reviews indicate that the rapist can even convince one of the animated computer characters that they like what's happening to them.

In Washington DC liberals in Congress sent their lapdog "Mr. President" out to the masses to do the same thing.

Now he's getting both sexist and racist. Obama the lapdog! How many boxes of Obama Waffles do you think this guy owns? And again, how can he seriously equate paying taxes with a video game that simulates rape? I'm pretty sure being 'robbed' (ie paying for government services) is a whole lot better than being raped, but maybe that's just me. But I can tell you a few 'funny' stories about being robbed... have you ever heard a funny anecdote about rape? Me neither.

I just love his simultaneously 'protective' and yet very patronizing and sexist view of women. According to dickbag, these same liberals with no morals see little difference between nominating administration members who will not prosecute those harmful persons that create elements that lead to sexual assault on innocent girls, nor the physical equivalent of doing the same thing to your pocketbook...

Because, again: us 'innocent girls' are worth about as much as what this jackass has in his pocketbook. Fucking idiot. And we could start talking about freedom of speech and RPG rape games, but I won't even get into that... it sucks, but it's free speech, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

He goes on to make a few more misogynistic bullshit comments about things he could never possibly really have any idea about, but I won't get into them as you get the point and really, this guy's had enough attention for one day (or one lifetime in my opinion). Suffice it to say that for all his posturing as a would-be feminist, this guys has about as much respect for women as 'Rapelay' and maybe less.

As long as men like this continue to spread this absolute filth into our society, is it possible women's sexuality will ever be seen as anything but a commodity in the mainstream? Hmm...

Penis, Peanuts, It's All the Same, Really

I'm feeling a little 12ish today (as usual), so here's video of a CNN anchor repeatedly saying penis instead of peanuts when talking about some airline shit (I was too distracted by the penis talk to catch anything else). The video is all weird because some youtube jerk decided to get creative with it, but it's still worth a look, especially if you're feeling juvenile...

Jackson Brother to Build Slavery Theme Park. Yes, Really.

Let's play "Who's the Craziest Jackson?" shall we? Got your guess ready? Wrong! It's not Michael, not LaToya, not even Tito (he was never really that crazy, but deserves a shout-out nonetheless)! It's Marlon (who?) Jackson that wins this award.

Somehow this obviously very confused man got involved in building a controversial (ya think?) theme park based on... SLAVERY! That's right! The plans are for an old slave port in Badagry, Nigeria. The "resort" will include a slavery museum and memorial (totally fine), along with a five star resort, casino, theme park, and a Jackson Five Museum.

Okay, how the hell did the Jackson five suddenly become relevant to the slave trade in Africa? I guess there could be a few parallels between slavery and growing up in that crazy ass family, but even so...

And while I love the shit out of some theme parks (annual pass holder at Disneyland), I can't really see myself having a good time riding on their life size slave ship replica or getting soaked on Uncle Tom's Log Cabin Ride... gross.

To read more about this crazy shit, click here.

ps. two Jackson posts in a row! Badass...

This is Some Jeff Koons Shit!!

Okay, okay, okay, this is actually kind of sad... the king of pop himself, Michael Jackson, has finally agreed to auction off some of his Neverland Ranch belongings in order to keep himself in plenty of skin bleach, uh, I mean, in order to pay his bills.

Okay, really, look at that picture! Is that not both the coolest and creepiest thing you've ever seen in your life? This art is so low it's almost high again! I love it, but can you imagine that thing in your house? I would be too creeped out to sleep, and I have big eye kids all over my house, so that's really saying something.

And how about the golf cart (it looks like a car but says golf cart...) with MJ as Peter Pan on it? If that doesn't scream child molester, then nothing does. Not that he's a child molester... how can you be if you never grow up (Peter)?

And the best of all has got to be the MJ robot face from Captain Eo. That looks like Jeff Koons himself told one of his assistants to sculpt it for him! Ooh, double dig.


I know I should feel bad for the guy, but somehow I manage not to. Maybe it's the sexual deviancy? Or, maybe, I'm just jealous of the golf cart... if you want to bid or see more of his stuff up for auction, go here...

The Jesse Spano Effect

If you don't know who Jesse Spano is, just stop reading right now. Okay, don't really. I'll obviously tell you, but you should be ashamed for not knowing! Jesse Spano is the character Elizabeth Berkeley plays on Saved by the Bell... if you're still lost, then really, just stop reading.

Anyway, Jezebel wrote a really interesting and totally random blog about Jesse Spano and her impact on feminism for girls of my generation (mid 20's)... take a look, it's pretty neat.

For Valentine's Day

This has long been my favorite poem, and I think tonight is a good time to share it.

BARFLY

Jane, who has been dead for 31 years,
never could have
imagined that I would write a sreenplay of our drinking
days together
and
that it would be made into a movie
and
that a beautiful movie star would play her
part.

I can hear Jane now: "A beautiful movie star? oh,
For Christ's sake!"

Jane, that's show biz, so go back to sleep, dear, because
no matter how hard they tried they
just couldn't find anybody exactly like
you.

And neither can
I.

-Charles Bukowski

A Lesson for all Hot Chicks (and their Douchbag Friends)

The first time I ever went on hotchickswithdouchebags.com, I saw a guy I used to go to school with as the top douchebag on the site! I found this especially funny because the first time he ever got high (which was obviously with me, duh) he acted like a TOTAL douchebag. Oh, and he's also and 'actor' and somewhat famous, I guess, so it made it ever funnier.

Anyway, apparently he and many other douchebags, along with the hot chicks they potentially bang (or at least take pictures with), are out of luck if they try to squeeze any money out of the guy who wrote a book using their pictures and making fun of them. The book has the same creative title as the above website, and is probably as entertaining (I haven't looked more than once).

A New Jersey judge ruled that it's okay to nationally humiliate these hot chicks and d-bags because it is obviously 'in jest'. Oh, okay, well in that case... I guess in a way, the douchebags really did win... read about it HERE!

Taking it Up a Notch

Luther Vandross may very well rise from the dead for this one. That right there is a sloppy joe with a krispy kreme glazed donut as the bun. My heart hurts just thinking about it. Delish!

Smooth as a Baby's WHAT?

It took me a while to come up with that headline. I was thinking along the lines of something a wee bit more vulgar, but I think the following description is vulgar enough.

Intercytex, some crazy drug company in London, has now come out with the ultimate way to keep your skin smooth and unwrinkled: rub a baby's dick on it! Okay, okay, it's not quite that simple, but it is that creepy!

Thanks to modern science, you can now inject some sort of serum derived from a baby's foreskin into your face! You heard me: baby. Dickskin. Face. Beautiful! Apparently the serum derives some live fibrosomethings that create collagen and firm up your skin.

Okay, this is some shit straight out of The Witches, right? You know all those stories about crazy old hags trying to eat children? This is just a little too close. I never thought I'd advocate for botox, but considering the alternatives...

ps. can I just say that I find it really ironic that England made this discovery? Last I checked, all their babies were leaving the hospital au naturel, if you get my drift...

The World's Creepiness Factor Just Went Down a Notch

Lee Redmond, the creepy lady with the longest fingernails in the world, will now have to find some other nasty way of making a name for herself. Why? Because her precious golden pants, uh, fingernails, were lost in some sort of car accident yesterday.

The Lady Kruger had been growing her nails since 1979, and together they were more than 28 feet long. The question of why anyone would deform themselves in this way still has not been answered, but now it's a moot point, because the precious nails are gone!

The funny thing about this is that the woman is listed as being in serious condition after being thrown from an SUV, yet all anybody keeps talking about are her nails! Well, what about those awesome gold pants? Did they make it out okay? That's what the news should really be reporting on. Fucking 'liberal' media.

What Would Us Worthless, Scared Gals Do Without Goodyear?

Oh man. Sometimes I start to feel like all is well in the world, and then something like this posting on cracked.com comes along and beats the sense back into me. The site has collected 8 television commercials from over the years that are overtly misogynistic and woman hating. The saddest part is that at least two of these are new enough that I actually remember seeing them on TV as totally normal, acceptable commercials.

Now that I look at them I realize just how programmed I am to just accept shit like this without even thinking about it. And I go to Mills for shit's sake! Where's my inner feminist?

Each commercial hates on women in a different way; we're either too scared and idiotic to drive alone, so bitchy that men will do anything to quell those pesky PMS mood swings (because obviously our biological "inconveniences" are only important if they negatively affect men), or so vapid and shallow that we can be bought with sparkly rocks. Whatever "problem" we women pose, these commercials have all the answers to them. Thank god we have television to constantly remind us of our place in society!

I've put my personal favorite commercial from the pack on here, but be sure to check out all of them on cracked.com, along with the snarky and hilarious commentary. Good stuff...

Which Way Does the Dancer Turn?

This shit is driving me insane! Okay, so look at the picture of the spinning lady and tell me which way she's going: clockwise or counter-clockwise? I'm not going to tell you what I see, because I don't want to influence you all. But please comment and tell me which way you see this shit going! Because apparently I'm in the minority (at least according to the web site this shit is on).

And if you want to know why this is important (although I'm not exactly sure why this is important even after reading the article accompanying it) click here. It's got something to do with right brain versus left brain... either way, it's a cool little game. And also, if you can get it spin both ways, you're insane. In my opinion, anyway.

They're Going to Need a Lot of Fried Chicken and Prescription Drugs

Of course this would happen. OF COURSE! How could it not, especially in England. Those cheeky Brits!

Anna Nicole Smith will now have an opera created just for her - and by the man who wrote the Jerry Springer opera, no less!

Magical. Click here to read the Guardian's article all about this madness. I would write more myself, but words can't describe the happiness I feel at hearing this news...!

Thristy? Not After This!

Tired of Coke, Pepsi, and even Vitamin Water? Well, how about some cow piss soda? Sounds delish, right? Some Indians seem to think so.

The Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, is developing the soda for mass consumption in an apparent attempt to combat outside (western) influences and promote the Hindu religion.

The drink will be made mostly of cow urine, mixed with some ayurvedic and medicinal herbs. Sound yummy? The maker of the drink seems to think so, saying, "don't worry, it won't smell like urine and will be tasty too," which makes me wonder exactly what his definition of "tasty" is...

For the full article, click here.

Yucky Yuck

I'm not going to weigh in on the ethics of this woman having babies, because really, there are many, many more important things for people to worry about, and while this woman may very well be bat shit crazy, dragging her through the mud in front of the entire country is just not cool.

That said, this picture is insane! I didn't think a body could do that, and I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to even if it can! I honestly got a little woozy looking at this. Which made me realize the importance of sharing it with all of you! Enjoy...

Soup is Good Food

Fuck the 90's moment, okay? I'm a walking 90's moment, so when you're jonesing come find me. Instead, let's do a weekly (maybe a little more, maybe a little less) ode to the wonderful show that is The Soup. And really, what's more appropriate than showing a clip of a show that shows clips? Say that three times fast...



Spaghetti Cat!!!

I'm Just Sayin'

Top: G W Bush
Bottom: Ted Bundy

Tell me they don't look like they hang out. I mean, if you squint hard enough they look like they could be the same guy. Except one of them is a seriously whacked out psycho murderer. The other is Ted Bundy. BOOYAH! What, too obvious?

Blow up the Bathroom (so to speak)

Want to cleanse both your body AND you mind? Well, now to can! Just buy this incredibly depressing, land mine-shaped soap and viola! The world is a better place.

From the site:

"Soap can be molded into any shape, and soap diminishes and disappears with use... a very poetic metaphor for landmine removal - as the soap disappears, so do the landmines. Through its use, Cleanup enables people to participate in the campaign against landmines with a simple, everyday occurrence."

At first I thought was a very weird, but pretty cool idea. Then I read this:

"About This Soap

Cleanup retails for $8.00 per bar.
$2.00 per bar is earmarked for donation to our de-mining partners."

As someone who has made soap and knows how little it costs to make, I have to say that I find this to be a total rip off, and for what? If $2 goes to de-mining efforts, then the soap should be $3. Period. Damn art school bastards (to see what the hell I'm talking about, click here

The Next Great Dance Hit

Thanks Jason!

Douchebag "Street Artist" Shepard Fairey Arrested, Again

Apparently he's not worried about it though, because he says he's been arrested 14 times before. That guy is SO COOL.

Look, I love the Andre the Giant has a posse stickers as much as anybody, but seriously dude, you're a one trick pony who just cashes in on pop culture icons, just like so many other "artists" out there.

Apparently, Fairey's "Hope" poster featuring Obama (which is both incredibly creative and original... ha) somehow made him an instant success around the country (at least according to the LA Times) but when he went to Boston for his first solo show at Boston's Institute of Contemporary Art (WHY, ICA Boston, WHY???), he was arrested for vandalism. Considering his "street art" style (damn it he is not real street art!!!) I'm going to have to say he's probably guilty. A little wheat paste can cost you a fortune there buddy!

The funny thing, though, is that earlier the same day he was in the city at some sort of rally or press conference with the Mayor, and yet nobody arrested him then! Come on, Boston police. Either he's a hero or a lawbreaker, but he can't be both. He's not Batman, for fuck's sake.

Image via Latimes.com

I Heart the Soup

If Joel McHale didn't have the same name as my brother and didn't look a little too much like this psychotic drug dealer I used to know, I might try to marry him. As it is, I'll have to settle for watching hilarious The Soup clips, like the one below...



Also, this being my first post addressing the craziness that is Christian Bale, let me just say that he is one intense little baby. I mean, really, that's just ridiculous. He's like a five year old throwing a fit... just embarrassing... and yet, hilarious!

REALLY???

His delivery is whatever, but it's still funny, and the sentiment is right on. I'm just glad Subway decided to stick with Stoner Phelps so we don't all have to boycott their delicious, delicious sandwiches (that are only delicious when you're stoned off your face)... yeah, they know their demographic.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Battle of the Exes... Christ lovers vs. Sexual Deviants

As expected, the Christian "Ex-Homo" shirts have spawned a backlash based more on profits than ideology. I just have to wonder who would actually wear this crap? I mean, whatever point you're trying to make, is wearing what should be your most personal business in the form of a shitty iron on transfer really how you want to represent yourself?

While you're at it, why not make shirts that say "Pregnancy Terminator" or "Ex-STD Carrier"? Both are as equally personal, and equally inappropriate, as what's being offered by these douches.

I'm all for wearing your heart on your sleeve, but your political and religious ideologies? Please, take a cue from the French and leave that shit at home.

Cornify!!

I'm not sure how this works, but let's give it a try!

R.I.P. Lux Interior

This is one of the saddest things I've heard in a long time... Lux Interior passed away today due to an existing heart condition. He was 62 years old.

This is seriously horrible. Lux was an inspiration to musicians everywhere. His amazing stage presence was one of the most memorable, exciting, and out of control in mainstream music history.

Please send your good thoughts and love to his family and friends, and let's all celebrate this beautiful, amazing life through his music and by spreading the weirdo word with anyone and everyone.

RIP Lux.

Passion for Christ, but Not THAT Kind of Passion

This makes my day... when I'm not such a broke biatch, I'm going to buy at least ten of these shirts... especially the "Ex-Fornicator" shirt (after all, I AM married)...

The real question here, though, is who do you give the "Ex-Slave" shirt to? Even I think that's a little crazy...

Praise Jesus!!

Is It EVER "Reasonable" to Kill Innocent People?

Don't worry Dr! Three of your daughters may be dead, but the government whose soldier's killed them said it was "reasonable" so it's okay! FUCK ISRAEL. Seriously... how can anyone call firing into a residence reasonable, even if shots came "from the area"? Sounds like a load of shit to me, and even if it's true, how does that excuse what happened?

To find out what the hell I'm rambling about, click here.

Long Distance Relationships are for Assholes, Says Self-Righteous Hippie

Okay, so at first I thought this article might be good, but it is based on so much conjecture and self-righteousness that it makes me want to vomit!

So basically, this person is saying that having a long-distance relationship is just horrible for the environment because it causes people to travel a lot more, thereby causing more pollutants to enter our air, water, etc. Okay, that makes sense, right?

But how about this: The lovely "reporter" said that flying between San Francisco and New York 12 times a year (not a whole lot of booty calls, but that's another subject) for this ONE PERSON would create 35 metric tons of Co2 per year... for shame, long-distance lovers! However, upon just a teensy bit of research, I found that a-hole is WRONG! In fact, the total amount of Co2 per person per year would be only about 9.12 tons per year (which is still a lot, but not nearly as much as the hippie said).

What, is the woman traveling in a private jet or something? Because in that case the blogger may be right; otherwise, it's just more sensationalized b.s. trying to scare/shame people into living their lives the way this man wants them to.

Then, this man goes on to postulate about what would happen if they moved closer to one another, but decides they would obviously drive solo to see one another, creating even more Co2 (although I don't have time to debunk this, but I bet it's wrong as well...) I understand the guy is just trying to show FOR EXAMPLE what would happen, but he comes off as just being a jerk with too much time on his hands (and here I am commenting on it... hmm...)

I guess everybody should follow this guys lead. And why stop there? Hey, don't go to work tomorrow because it's bad for the environment! And no vacations either! Travel = evil, people. Unless you're on a bike (fixed-gear, of course).
There's a link to this b.s. below...

http://www.slate.com/id/2202431/?from=rss

The Greatest Invention. Ever. EVER.

I saw it on dlisted.com...


Do you see what this is?? This is amazing! It's a wooden alarm clock made to look like a pig, with a digital clock face, that wakes you with delicious bacon! All you have to do is put a strip of bacon in before you go to bed, and as long as a clever cockroach can't find a way to jimmy the door open, viola! BACON!

It actually starts cooking the bacon ten minutes before the alarm wakes you, so by the time you're up, you've got a hot, crispy, delicious treat waiting for you...

There is no better invention than this. And the craziest part is that three people created this (of course it took that many, it takes many lives and much sacrifice to create something so magnificent) and at least one of them went to school in California. West Side! Now what? The ball is in your court, Japan...

Claire McCaskill is My Hero...

If you're impatient, click ahead to the 50 second mark, but make sure to listen until she asks "what planet are these people from?" because that's obviously the best part. But honestly, they are from the planet Fuck America, We're Getting Paid. Thanks Free Market!!



Special thanks to my daddy for telling me about this awesomeness...!

Since When Did the News of the World Become Reliable?

Seriously, has anyone else noticed all these horrible gossip rags like the National Enquirer and News of the World suddenly becoming legit? I mean, this shit is normally barely one step up from the Weekly World News (Bat Boy Lives!!!), yet wasn't it the Enquirer that busted John Edwards' sleazy ass? And now the f-ing News of the World has ruined our golden boy, Michael Phelps!! Personally, I think it's pretty obvious the boy smokes the ganga. I mean, have you see that goofy ass smile? If that's not drug induced, then he's worse off than I thought.

But seriously, duh! Of course he's getting high, banging ladies (there's that classy word again), and doing whatever the hell else he feels like. And he fucking earned it too! So let the dolphin boy be. He's been through enough. He had to pose for magazines that would then talk about his hot body but totally diss his busted face. And now he's going to be labeled a drug user and probably lose a bunch of endorsements, as well as possibly losing his chance to go to the next Olympics. Which is a total bummer, not only for him, but for America (and you know I care deeply about our National pride)...

And the funny thing is that this picture looks nothing like him! He actually looks kind of hot here, and if a little bong time is what it takes to relax that face into something even relatively easy on the eyes, then I say smoke up hottie!

Someone Made a Funny at a News Station

I don't know how I would handle this as a newscaster, but I can say that this woman had a lot more composure than I think most anyone would have at that moment. This story is pretty sad, but I guess someone at the news station thought they'd lighten the mood a little... I don't want to give it away, so just watch... hilarious!